2023 Week 1 LoL FFL Post:

Nazim Parupia
Sep 13, 2023
6 min read

BROUGHT TO BY KYRIACOS:

Dearest mother—

I write you with horrendous news. Our unit was defeated by a truly horrible homosexual named Brother Chris. I’m sorry mother for my haste, but my ever-lasting gaped butthole from this weekend’s battle has left me utterly besides myself. I fought valiantly for my life, but he called me his little bitch, and had me sprawled out on my hands and knees. I was begging him to show mercy and stop. The feeling has been oh so abhorrent. The things he did to me I believe are only acts of the devil himself. To be made to bow to a sissy-frikle like Brother Chris has dishonored you and papa. I will work tirelessly to gain your forgiveness, as I now share in his sinful ways. My JA17 sidearm has failed me again and my soldiers have cowered at the thought of his further advancements. I’m currently watching Brother Chris celebrate with a bath and a bottle of squirrel oil, as I lay here in the corner of the room, trying to recover from my abuser. It’s maddening mother, simply terrible. Our journey from the depths of hell will be painful, I know this to be true. But I have faith one day I will see you again. I miss thee every day. However, I have troubling news, General Naz has fallen. His Achilles tendon was shot to smithereens. The doctors have not pronounced his death just yet, but he is on the medical tent now struggling to keep breathing. I keep hearing faint yells of ‘’Last year it was my ass that took the bullet.’’ God only knows if that’s a reference to my abuser. Speaking of him, Brother Chris has yet to repent for the things he’s done for me, but I continue to pray for his soul. The other day we caught him again behind the barn. He states he was simply checking the belt loop sturdiness again of now Retired Admiral Nassib’s trousers. The stains on his lapel and uniform seem to suggest otherwise. I will one day end his sinful lifestyle, one day I will enact my revenge. The good news, is that the campaign is still young, and more opportunities are afoot. I will heed your advice and never falter in my faith, no matter how bleak the dawn seems.

With love,

Capt. ZeroPointOne

General Naz vs Major Alex

Before anything else mother, I must inform you that the entire brigade’s deepest condolences go out to General Naz. It’s with great sorrow that I must report his Drug Using Non-Vax’d 9/11 Denying Squad Leader has sustained the dreaded chronically traumatizing achillesitis. Our unit surrounded him with great sorrow and prayed over his corpse. General Naz was the only one who seemed at odds with the group’s sentiments. He made a passing comment that stuck with me. He said, ‘’Ehh, such GGs.’’ We will conduct a thorough investigation into what truly happened that fateful night. Such a tragedy, as it feels it was over before it even started. Major Alex is our finest Woo Piggie soldier, and he was done justice in this battle. Regardless of Admiral Gano’s negative contribution at the most vital position in combat, the Kicker spot, Major Alex absolutely bludgeoned General Naz. He just couldn’t get him over the hump of not having any picks in the first 7 rounds of the military draft. Calm down Brother Chris, not that kind of hump. It’s like you always say mother, ‘’You can’t tear every Corporal’s Achilles tendon on your way to the top.’’ But for this week, congrats Major Alex.

Sergeant Sean vs Colonel Ali

This battle was a low ammunition affair between two of our smartest combat leaders. Seageant Sean is our spiritual advisor on the battle field, raising our awareness of the One True God, while Colonel Ali is a medical doctor. I know mother, you always say a DO is no MD of mine, but trust me he does good work. He’s joined us from the non-slave state of Ohio which has been a nice addition to our bigoted group. Sergeant Sean fell faintly short of his goal of success in their duel, similarly as he often does. He was seen on one knee pondering his own racial inequity while Colonel Ali was checking his rectum for child-sized polyps. Sad to say ma ma, this invasion of Sean’s privacy led to his death. Before the procedure, Sergeant Sean kept asking us all for ‘’one more sack’’ the entire night. None of us knew with which he was referring. Unfortunately for Sean, Brother Chris did oblige with a sack of his own, placed ever so gently on Sean’s forehead. He was heard uttering to himself, ‘’Yes, I indeed deserve this.’’ Our entire brigade every morning now stand together on one knee in honor of Sergeant Sean’s passing.

Admiral Yaseer vs Father Parth

Mother, I have received your care package of spiced raccoon calves, sweetened sparrow wrists, and, of course, precious hog hooves. With these great care package, we should battle ready. I did need to tell you that Farmer Parth wasn’t battle ready last week. He chose to commit treason against his own country. He was caught by the proverbial outhouse with his pants down. Admiral Yaseer found out and beat on him like an Injun with a deer skinned drum. We are all troubled to have learned this. We never expected one of our own to be working with the enemy. Private Tagovailoa and the New Orleans defensive brigade informed us they had infiltrated Parth’s plan and worked to circumvent his dealings. Thank God for Dalton Schultz. Adding him to the ranks was a crucial mistake for Father Price. Admiral Yaseer finds himself in good favor with the unit now. We will see that he gets a fit reward. No Chris, not that.

Lieutenant Rimmel vs Brigadier Humza

Mother, it pains me to say that President Jackson, inked his quil this week and formally discharged Lieutenant Rimmel from his duty. He now wallows in shame. Just like Cadet Goedert, he is negatively impacted by his abysmal performance. He laid down his musket and wept. We tried to tell him that each of us have had weak moments and that this won’t define. Brother Chris then even opened up to him about his own transgressions against God while trying to get Rimmel to switch teams. But Lieutenant Rimmel rejected those homosexual advances, packed his things, and left the unit. I was saddened to learn Humza’s boot camp colleagues Private Kupp and Private Kelce went awol right before battle. It’s a tragic state of affairs. I am grief stricken with the burden of keeping my men’s morale high. Sergeant Sean led a vigil of remembrance for Rimmel. I picked up my fiddle and knelt while I played our nation’s song. That beautiful song, penned so graciously 20 years ago by Francis Scott Key, my unit knelt in unity. We knelt for freedom and liberty. We knelt for all those who can’t knee. We knelt and thought of Rimmel. A single tear fell on my cheek. I wiped it away, and then without a pause, we all burst into laughter, got drunk, and fell asleep. Haram. Fuck you Humza you 3 pick having piece of shit.

Corporal Ahsan vs Specialist Colten

Mother— I do have regretfully inform you on an update. We had one more casualty from our long day at battle. Surprisingly while taking Fort Hood, Corporal Ahsan was killed by a cheetah who came out of nowhere. I tried to hold up the Holy Cross and garlic like you taught me, but nothing could tame the beast. The cheetah seemed to target our most decorated soldier over the last year of service, and went directly for Corporal Ahsan’s neck. Ashan was heard screaming ‘’Fuck it, I’m still a champion and death won’t take that away. Top Tier Jannah here I come.’’ Specialist Colten held his head and made him comfortable as he passed. An investigation has determined that, Specialist Colten gifted the beast a week earlier, but we are keeping that to ourselves. Private Harris was seeing running away in the other direction while the cheetah killed his dearest friend. Zero help from Private Harris. So sad. Failure, we will be holding him accountable.

Captain ZeroPointOne vs Brother Chris

Alas mother, I am amazed by the levels at which Brother Chris lusts for his own gender. I can’t seem to break his desires. We all have worked tirelessly to stop him. To turn him to what is good and pure. But he just keeps on coming, back for more. Pray for strength. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for healing. He was awful to me and lashed me good last week and I confronted him on what he did to me. Nothing makes him stop. He tells me this is the way God has made him. He tells me he can’t change. Who next has to fall victim like me? Who next will be startled from behind in the night? My camp is struggling to reconcile his actions. He is but a gooey white slimy stain that won’t wash out. I am saddened but I will bounce again. My butthole will heal. I will find my normality again. Next time I write you I promise to write of future triumph and valor.

With great love,

Yours truly

ZeroPointOne!

P.S. - Fuck Chris