Greetings, fantasy failures. It’s me, Hell’s most overcooked former finance goblin Jeffery Epstein, writing this from the VIP Torture Wing where they keep the truly premium scumbags. Satan just tossed me a flaming laptop and said, “Go ahead, tell your little league how much worse things can get.” And trust me, they can. First off, I hear my old earthly “file dump” just hit the surface world, and holy flaming rectums — you’d think someone threw holy water on a nest of cockroac

Salam, football degenerates and accidental Ramadan snack hoarders! It’s me—your friendly neighborhood Disney/ESPN fat-cat, here to personally apologize for gutting your Monday Night Football like it was a stuffed lamb at Eid. Yes, it’s true. I’m the guy who thought it was a brilliant idea to wrestle YouTube TV into submission over broadcasting fees. “Why not?” I said, swirling my overpriced qahwa while counting your subscription pennies like they were zakat. “Who cares if mil

As-Salāmu ʿAlaykum, my fellow fantasy gladiators, It is I, Zohran Mamdani, your humble servant, former city council hopeful, and now, al‑hamdulillāh, the undefeated Week 9 fantasy tactician. You, the sacred roster‑keepers of New York City, have prayed five times a day to the waiver wire, refreshed your apps compulsively, and still been peppered by chaos—like Cuomo promising accountability yet somehow still ducking his accusers. Come closer, because this is the moment: I decla

BROUGHT TO YOU BY NAZ THIS WEEK SINCE KCOS DECIDED TO SIT IN JACUZZI ALL WEEK... But I am also busy, so it'll be short and sweet this week. Apologies in advance! Parth v Ahsan Baker Mayfield, a top 10 QB this year averaging 17.5 points/game, only has 4.0 points against New Orleans?! How does that happen??? Bo Nix, on the other hand, against Dallas: exactly as you'd expect it to go, 23.7 points! Derrick Henry did what he could for Parth, giving him almost 20 points and account

Welcome back, you immunocompromised fantasy fucks. It’s me, Dr. Anthony Fauci — the guy your weird uncle still blames for Thanksgiving 2020 and who apparently is now forced to recap your sorry-ass fantasy league because you mouth-breathers can’t stop making the dumbest decisions this side of a bleach injection. This week in fantasy was a full-blown superspreader event of bad roster moves, horrible draft regret, and scores so low they should be quarantined. There was more tran