2023 Week 8 LoL FFL Post:

Nazim Parupia
Nov 2, 2023
7 min read

BROUGHT TO YOU BY KYRIACOS

This post goes out to all my Short Kings! They say we’re 5 foot 4 in your programs but we’re 7 foot 1 in your fucking hearts! I was inspired to write this post from the Minder perspective of the girls Rimmel met up with in the past. Obviously, this was before he married his sweet Mahnoor. Mashallah my brother! We all need to find our spouses the halal way! So download the Minder app, set your profile height to 6’1½, and get to fucking swiping right ALL day long!!

But first some background: The New York Times recently declared there has never been a better time in human history to be short! There are many benefits to dating a microprince like Rimmel. Ladies….you could save money on plane tickets by storing him in your carry-on-bag or in the overhead compartment. Your dollar could go waaaaayyyy further on clothes by shopping for him at the Baby Gap. And if your mother wants you to have kids; NO need to worry! Rimmel is already the size of one. But in all seriousness, The New York Times article states that short people are better for the environment, because they consume less energy. So mating with a guy like Rimmel would theoretically, save the planet, shrinking the energy needs of future generations. Come on Fatima, grab dinner with Rimmel, don’t you want to save a pygmy rhino from extinction, you bitch! With the previous facts already being laid out, mating with a 6’4 Chris Brooks is essentially taking a huge coal-miner shit directly into the earth’s core. Don’t do it Fatima, you bitch. (Poor Fatima) The article also claims that short men live longer! Having lower incidence of cancer and heart disease. So Aisha, who do you want more….a tall-pussy-ass ‘’man’’ who can dunk a basketball? Or a little-napoleon-general who’s immortal? Exactly, you bitch. So quit wasting time with guys who can do useless things like reach the top shelf of your cabinets….or that can speak up for themselves and have self-confidence. Look elsewhere. Look down. And try out a Short King like Rimmel for a change. Progress to power my brother….Assalamu alaikum! I’m out.

Girl #1 - Fatima

(Colt vs Sean)

Hello guys. My name is Fatima and boy do I have a story for you. So I was essentially having to lie to my very conservative parents, and I decided to speed up this whole husband interview process dating thing. So, I go ahead and download Minder and I matched with this cute guy named Rimmel. His opening line made me laugh, he said ‘’I’m fasting right now, but DAYUM girl you be looking like a snack.’’ I hehe’d so hard when I read that. Well, his profile was super impressive. It said he was 6 foot 1 and that his family was MEGA-RICH, building their fortune off of convenience-store wire-transfer microtransactions. But unfortunately, that wasn’t the only thing micro about him. We grabbed coffee and get this, he shows up and there is NO way he’s 6’1! But that wasn’t even the worst part. He takes one look at me and he says ‘’I just won a fantasy football championship against the guy I traded all my picks to, by a margin of one tenth of a single point. I’m a fucking champion now and forever, and honestly just looking at you, I can tell it won’t work out between us. My kids will be fucking winners and I’m just not getting them vibes from you.’’ He then throws down over $600 dollars right there on the table. He said it was his fantasy winnings and that he ‘’Doesn’t need that shit’’ and ‘’Have it, there will be more where that came from next year’’….So yes, sadly this story is about the one who got away. It was a hard day.

(Darren Waller sucked, Taysom Hill did not—Sean wins)

Girl #2 - Kiran

(Parth vs Humza)

Hi my name is Kiran, and I also matched with Rimmel on Minder. When I asked him how he would describe himself, he told me he was the brown John Wolford. I had no idea who that even was. I liked his overall resume and I thought our family/cultural expectations would be a fit. So he messages me and he said ‘’Are you tired? Cause you've been making tawaf in my head all day.’’ I hehe’d so hard immediately. His profile did say he was 6 foot 1 and I do like a tall man. So we meet up for coffee. But he’s late. Then a guy in sunglasses turns around from the table next to me. And IT’S HIM! It’s Rimmel! He’s standing up, and appears to be on another date. I see him throw down a huge wad of cash and say something to her. Then he comes over to my table and he says ‘’Hey girl, we're allowed to marry four...but I don't think that will necessary today because you're a 2. Bye’’ And he walked out. I was speechless, not because he disrespected me, but because I wasn’t good enough. I know I missed out. Even though he was a solid 12 inches shy of 6’1, I could just tell he was the one who got away.

(Mahomes and Kelce sucked, Gus Edwards did not—Parth wins)

Girl #3 - Dania

(Kcos vs Ali)

Hi my name is Dania. And about 2 years ago I meet up with a guy I matched with on Minder. His opening line on the app had me dying. He messaged me, ‘’I must have died a shaheed and gone to heaven because you are my 72 virgins all in one.’’ He then proceeds to tell me he’s really into movies, but only if he misses the first 15-30 minutes. Then he likes to piece them together in his mind, trying to contemplate what he might of missed, and then attempt to fill in any plot holes, to see if he might be right or wrong in the end. He let me know he did the same thing years later with the movie Oppenheimer. So we obviously go see the new all-female casted Ghostbusters movie. My choice! It was so inspiring and empowering! I just felt like if young girls see women fighting CGI ghosts on screen, they would have the confidence to fight their own metaphorical ghosts in their personal lives. Rimmel did not see it that way. HE HATED IT. I believe he said ‘’What in the fuck was that hot garbage.’’ I made the mistake of defending the creative process of the creators of that movie. Rimmel told me if I enjoyed that 2-hour waste of his fucking life that there was no way we would work out as couple. He got into his Benz C300 and sped away. It was devastating for me. So thus, this is a story about the one who got away.

(Pacheco sucked, Kamara did not—Kcos wins)

Girl #4 - Aisha

(Ahsan vs Alex)

Hi everyone. So my name is Aisha. And I’m one of the Rimmel 6. Yes, I too regret that it didn’t work out. I was scrolling through Minder when I matched with this cute guy. His profile said he’s tall, successful, a reigning fantasy football champion, a business owner, and a devoted Muslim. He messaged me and it just said ‘’Roses are red. Violets are blue. You're so halal. Can I nikkah you?’’ I instantly blushed. He said that he knows this really great coffee shop that’s just down the street, and if I wanted to meet there. I was so excited. I just knew he was the one. Sadly, he never showed up. I tried calling him, but I didn’t want to leave a voicemail. It was so loud in there. These two random girls, at separate tables, were uncontrollably sobbing. It was as if a family member died. I sat there for another 5 hours, just hoping I could get the chance to meet him. I left single and heartbroken. I think about you often Rimmel, my Minder soulmate.

(Devante Adams sucked, Josh Jacobs did not—Ahsan barely wins) (PS—Philly defense was the difference)

Girl #5 - Nazanin

(Naz vs Yas)

Hello. My name is Nazanin. And I thought would be easy to talk about. Especially, since it’s been almost 2 full years. But, honestly, it’s not. I still love you Rimmel. I know the only message you ever sent me was super Minder generic. I printed it out and I have it framed on my wall. You typed ‘’Wanna pray in jamaat? Shoulder to shoulder, feet to feet?’’ I look at that every single day and smile. And I know we never met up, but I know we were meant to be together. I scream and cry into my pillow on a nightly basis. You could be 2 foot 2 and 380 lbs for all I care. At least you’re not a D.O. Instead, you’re the MD/engineer/brownshortlincolnlawyer of my beating heart! Love you still and 4ever Xoxo - Nazanin

(Nazim’s whole team sucked, Yaseer’s did not—Yas wins)

Girl #6 - Christafani

(Chris vs Rimmel)

Hi Rimmel,

You might not remember me. I was the 6 foot 4 girl in the full burqa. You know the one with the deep voice and the beard from about 2 years back. We matched on Minder and you said, ‘’Hey girl, feel my thobe. You know what it's made of? Husband material.’’ I was speechless. You then said ‘’Coffee?’’, which I replied ‘’Of course!’’ I was so nervous to meet you, so I immediately shaved my face and my legs, got dolled up, put on my burqa and headed to the coffee shop. I distinctly remember we had a bit of a height difference but that didn’t matter to me. You then asked me if I was a man, because you said ‘’You’re definitely a white dude’’ which I said ‘’No silly….I’m a Muslim girl from Pakistan, who just drank a lot of halal milk!’’ And I could see it on your face Rimmel. You didn’t believe me. You didn’t say anything. You sat there. Then you silently got up from your chair and shouted to the entire room ‘’CHRIS IS GAY AS FUCK!’’ It was devastating. You’re still the one who got away.

(Chris sucks dick, Rimmel doesn’t—Thus Rimmel ultimately won in the end. Fuck you Chris!!!!!)