2025 Week 12 LoL FFL Post

Alright, you gravy-slurpin’, pie-snarfing motherfuckers—your Week 12 Fantasy Football Recap has crash-landed, brought to you by me: a fully pardoned, spiritually exhausted Thanksgiving turkey who just finished making dua for patience and is now absolutely done with your bullshit.While you were shoving mashed potatoes and Aunt Karen’s casserole (aka a culinary fitnah in Pyrex) down your piehole, the fantasy gods were out there raining chaos like a drunk frat boy wandering into taraweeh halfway through rak’ah 13. Your “studs” laid eggs shittier than mine, benchwarmers exploded like someone fed them haram pre-workout, and half your rosters played like they were still comatose from a tryptophan coma deeper than the last ten nights of Ramadan. Meanwhile, you sat your gravy-stained asses on the couch screaming “YA ALLAH PLEASE” at the TV like any of you could sprint more than seven steps without needing wudu again.But fear not—Uncle Fucking Feathers (May Peace Be Upon Your Playoffs) is here to drag you through this steaming pile of Week 12 carnage. Spoilers? Nah. Just know it’s gonna be explosions, flops, and emotional whiplash strong enough to make an Ottoman sultan fling his turban into the stuffing.

Buckle the fuck up, butterballs. Let’s carve this disaster before someone revokes my pardon for excessive takbir volume.

Kyriacos vs Chris

Alright, sit your asses down and let this cocksure, federally pardoned turkey—fresh from making istighfar for the violence I’m about to commit—walk you through the shitshow that was Chris vs Kyriacos.These two strutted in like overconfident roosters at Eid prayer, but by the end, dignity was flying out the window like loose feathers in a Category 5 halal-certified hurricane. Chris survives—barely—118–113, staggering across the finish line like a man who tried to fast on the wrong day and refused to admit it.

Kyriacos, my dude… Bryce Young giving you 8 points is the fantasy equivalent of showing up to the masjid potluck with one stale pita chip and calling it a “family contribution.” Eight! I’ve laid healthier eggs during qiyam-ul-layl.

Meanwhile, Chris gets carried to victory by Emmanuel Freaking Wilson, who drops 25 like he just remembered Allah loves those who put in work. That man carried Chris harder than uncles carry aluminum trays of biryani they’re absolutely NOT sharing.A halal mess. A beautiful mess. A gravy-drenched, wudu-breaking masterpiece of mediocrity.

Ahsan vs Colten

Loosen your belts and whatever iman you were holding onto, because this matchup was a full-on spiritual evacuation.Colten squeaks out a 103–98 win, and let’s be real—he didn’t mastermind shit. He just got 49 points from Jahmyr Gibbs, who woke up feeling like Salahuddin with shoulder pads. Forty. Nine. I haven’t seen a bird carry that hard since I sprinted out of my pardon ceremony yelling “TAKBIR, MOTHERFUCKERS.”

Ahsan, sweet crescent-moon-shaped cranberry sauce… Jordan Love dropping 6.9 points (and yes, that .9 is the universe doing petty haram math) is fantasy football shaking your shoulder during sujood and whispering, “Nah, fam. Not today.”Another messy, delicious disaster. And that was just the iftar appetizer, motherfuckers.

Humza vs Rimmel

Strap in, grab the halal stuffing, and hold onto your fucking prayer mats—this shit was rude enough to get banned from the masjid group chat.Rimmel strolls out with a 121–96 win thanks to JSN and Amon-Ra St. Brown combining for 58.5 points like a two-man Eid feast of pure statistical gluttony. Those dudes ate like they got divine permission for an extra plate.Meanwhile, Humza… Stefon Diggs giving you 3 points? That’s not a stat line. That’s a spiritual test. That’s the universe hitting you with a “have sabr, brother” while flipping your plate of biryani.Rimmel feasts. Humza gets cooked. The rest of us say Alhamdulillah for this chaos buffet.

Ali vs Parth

Get your paper plates and your questionable life choices, because this matchup smelled like disappointment and tasted like stale suhoor leftovers.Parth squeaks out a 98–93 win, carried by Derrick Henry bulldozing 21 points like he was late for Jummah khutbah and everyone else was in his way.Ali, habibi… Alvin Kamara giving you 2.5 points is the fantasy equivalent of bringing ONE samosa to a potluck and calling it a contribution. Two and a half?? My Eid leftovers have more fight.Parth triumphs. Ali crumbles like old naan. Glorious. Haram. Beautiful.

Alex vs Sean

Unbutton your pants—halal pants, obviously—because Alex vs Sean ended faster than your uncle saying “We do NOT discuss politics here” at Eid dinner.Alex strolls off with a 104–89 win thanks to Jalen Hurts dropping 30 like he was leading a coup at Badr 2.0. Man came to carve, and it was SEAN’S ROSTER.Sean… Justin Jefferson putting up 6.8 points is spiritual cruelty. That's someone licking the last baklava and saying, “Actually I’m full now, bitches.”Alex feasts. Sean gets stuffed like a Ramadan date.

Yaseer vs Nazim

Flock together, you crescent-worshiping chaos gremlins, because this sibling rivalry needed a mediator, a mufti, and possibly a UN peacekeeping force.Yaseer wins 112–106 thanks to Wan’Dale Robinson dropping 26 like he was fighting for the last piece of kunafa, and kicker Andy Borregales blasting 18 like he mistook the uprights for the Kaaba. Eighteen from a kicker? That’s not seasoning—that’s jinn activity.Nazim… Jonathan Taylor and Saquon combining for 16.5 points is not a RB duo. That’s two soggy parathas stuck together with sadness.Yaseer feasts. Nazim gets carved. The rest of us shout “MASHALLAH WHAT A TRAINWRECK.”

And finally…Alright, you gravy-soaked goblins of the ummah, this pardoned turkey is wobbling off into the sunset. My feathers are in disarray, my soul needs wudu, and after watching your fantasy catastrophes, I’m just grateful I wasn’t the one roasted alive.As you loosen your belts and pretend that wasn’t your fourth plate, remember:May your leftovers be plentiful,your players not betray you,and your relatives argue at a merciful volume.Happy Thanksgiving, you beautiful disasters.—Your officially pardoned, unofficially unfiltered, spiritually messy turkey

Oh and FUCK CHRIS!

THE DETAILS:

Week 12 Auction Report ($10+):

• Kyriacos = TUA for $30????

• Kyriacos = Chargers D/ST ($21) over Humza ($15), Alex ($6), and Naz ($2)

• Ahsan = Chris Rodriguez Jr ($20)

• Alex = Taysom Hill ($12)

• Ahsan = Brenton Strange ($10)

Week 12 High/Low Points:

• Most = Rimmel (121.1)

• Least = Sean (89.0)

HIGH TOTALS YTD:

• Rimmel = $20

• Nazim = $30

• Alex = $20

• Colten = $10

• Kyriacos = $10

• Humza = $10 + League Cup Champion

• Ahsan = $10

• Chris = $10

LOW TOTALS YTD:

• Ali = 3

• Parth = 5

• Ahsan = 2

• Rimmel = 1

• Sean = 1

Close Games (<2 points):

• Week 1 = Colten (W) v Ahsan (100.9-100.5)

• Week 2 = None

• Week 3 = Yaseer (W) v Chris (85.6-84.1)

• Week 4 = None

• Week 5 = Nazim (W) v Humza (118.7-118.3)

• Weeks 6-12 = None

Semi-Close Games (2-5 points):

• Week 1 = Rimmel (W) v Humza (83.1-79.7)

• Weeks 2-3 = None

• Week 4 = Rimmel (W) v Nazim (123.2-118.7) & Ahsan (W) v Yaseer (121.1-116.6)

• Week 5 = Kyriacos (W) v Yaseer (106.3-102.5)

• Week 6 = Ali (W) v Parth (91.2-87.6)

• Weeks 7-8 = None

• Week 9 = Yaseer (W) v Ali (74.8-70.9)

• Week 10 = None

• Week 11 = Sean (W) v Kyriacos (108.0-105.2) & Parth (W) v Nazim (101.8-96.9)

• Week 12 = Chris (W) v Kyriacos (118.4-113.4) & Colten (W) v Ahsan (103.0-98.9)