2025 Week 13 LoL FFL Post

Well howdy, mes amis! 

It’s Coach Lane ‘Geaux-Where-the-Wind-Blows’ Kiffin here, crawlin’ out the bayou with a plate full’a boudin, a heart full’a regret, and a résumé that look like a damn Waffle House menu—long, greasy, and full of questionable decisions. Yeah, yeah, I know what y’all thinkin’: ‘Lane, cher, didn’t you just leave Ole Miss for LSU faster than a gator chasin’ a drunk tourist?’ Yessir, guilty as charged. One minute I’m preachin’ ‘Hotty Toddy’ like a Baptist with a bullhorn, next minute I’m slidin’ down the Mississippi on a stolen airboat hollerin’ ‘GEAUX TIGERS’ like I been purple and gold since birth. Look, I been everywhere—NFL, Tennessee, USC, FAU—hell, I even spent time in Oakland, which count as community service. I been hired more times than a Bourbon Street saxophone player and fired faster than a shrimp po-boy at Mardi Gras. But dat’s alright, cher, ‘cause like a good Cajun roux, I only get thicker and more chaotic with time. And now I’m here to bring ya the fantasy football recap, baybeee—straight from Coach Kiffin’s School of Questionable Play Calls and Life Decisions. So strap in, tighten ya waders, and hold on to ya andouille, ‘cause this week’s matchups got messier than my Twitter DMs after a three-game win streak. Laissez les bon temps rouler, ya filthy fantasy degenerates—let’s dive into this hot gumbo of chaos.

Yaseer vs Kyriacos

“Well butter my biscuits and slap me with a crawfish, mes amis—Kyriacos done put on a fantasy football disaster so catastrophic FEMA already settin’ up tents. Final score: Yaseer 119.4, Kyriacos 113.9, and that 113.9 was more mercy than merit. First offense: Kyriacos left Deandre Swift—Mr. “I score points just for wakin’ up”—rottin’ on the bench like yesterday’s gumbo. That man could’ve saved his whole week, but nope, Kyriacos said, ‘Bench him, I like suffrin’.’ Second crime: He paid THIRTY DOLLARS for Tua “CTE Tour de Miami” Tagovailoa, who rewarded him with a majestic, mythical, completely useless 4.6 points. Four point six, cher—that’s not a fantasy score, that’s a humidity reading. Meanwhile, Yaseer sittin’ comfy like a gator sunbathin’. Mahomes tossed FOUR touchdowns, flexin’ like he the mayor of Fantasy Town, and Andy Borregales—a PATRIOTS kicker, of all things—dropped 14 points on Kyriacos’ head like lagniappe from heaven. And Kyriacos’ season? Lord have mercy—it look like my old career path: confusing, chaotic, and full of choices nobody can justify. Set your lineup, cher. Start Swift. Stop payin’ premium money for quarterbacks who score like broken microwaves. Laissez les bon temps rouler—just maybe not for Kyriacos this season.

Sean vs Humza

Lord have mercy, a brotherly love matchup mes amis—Sean’s fantasy team just got whooped so hard I thought Humza was tryin’ to open a crawfish boil with his skull. Final score: Humza 150.6, Sean 102.9, and that 102.9 came with more pity than talent. Humza rolled up like Mardi Gras incarnate. Bijan Robinson droppin’ 27 points, runnin’ through defenses like they owed him money, and AJ Brown hittin’ SEVENTY shades of chaos with 30 points, bullyin’ cornerbacks like they stole his po’boy. And then there’s Sean. Poor, sweet, confused Sean. The man traded for Justin Jefferson, strutted around like he stole treasure from the S.S. Fantasy Goldmine… only for Jefferson to bless him with a gloriously pathetic 1.4 points. Cher, 1.4 ain’t a fantasy output—that’s how many good decisions Sean’s made this season. Every week that Jefferson trade look worse. It’s like Sean ordered a prime rib and they handed him a gas station beef jerky. He traded for a Ferrari that show up in the driveway with three wheels, a cracked windshield, and a family of raccoons livin’ in the trunk. Meanwhile Humza sittin’ pretty, sippin’ sweet tea, watchin’ Sean’s roster implode like one of my old coaching stops. So congrats to Humza, lord of the bayou this week. And Sean? Cher, next time you make a trade, check if the man you’re tradin’ for is actually, ya know… playin’ football.

Parth vs Ahsan

“Well tie me to a pirogue and push me into the bayou—Ahsan done snuck out a win, 102.4 to 94.6, and Parth helped him like a man holdin’ the door open for his own robbery. Ahsan didn’t exactly light up the scoreboard, but Brock Bowers droppin’ 20 points made him look like the second coming of Jimmy Graham circa ‘please don’t trade me’ era. And James Cook slid in with 17, stirrin’ up just enough gumbo to get Ahsan across the finish line. And then… Parth. Bless his heart. Bless his fantasy heart even more. Ever since Parth joined this league, it’s been nothing but suffering, sorrow, and the kind of decision-makin’ that make you wonder if he draft players based on horoscope compatibility. The man’s fantasy record look like my OL coachin’ stints—long, confusing, and mostly disasters with occasional moral support. Each week Parth finds a new way to lose, like he speedrun the “What Not to Do” chapter of the fantasy manual. At this point we ain’t even mad—just impressed by the creativity. So congrats to Ahsan for winnin’ the Sloppy Gumbo Bowl, and Parth, cher… one day you might win a matchup. Maybe. If the league gives you a bye week against yourself.

Alex vs Nazim

“Sweet baby crawfish on a cracker—Alex somehow beat Nazim 83 to 77.3, and he did it with two players scoring ONE POINT each. ONE. As in: uno. As in the number of brain cells Alex used settin’ his lineup this week. And yet… he won. Because Nazim out there sabotagin’ himself like he get performance bonuses for pain. Let’s talk about Saquon Barkley, the crown jewel Nazim traded for—Saquon, the man Nazim hyped up like he just bought beachfront property in Destin. And Saquon gave him a majestic, life-changing, deeply spiritual 5.6 points. Cher, that ain’t a performance—that’s a Yelp review. And don’t think we forgot: Nazim is 1–4 since that conditional trade with Ahsan, a trade so cursed even the bayou spirits shook their heads. This man plugged that deal into his roster and it started smokin’ like an overcooked jambalaya. But the real comedy? The headline that should be in the Times-Picayune? Nazim might miss the playoffs with JONATHAN TAYLOR on his roster. Good Lord almighty. That’s like havin’ a Ferrari in your garage and ridin’ a rusty bicycle to work. It’s like buyin’ a ribeye steak and then eatin’ cold beans instead. It’s fantasy malpractice, cher—straight up. Meanwhile Alex out here winnin’ games with two players puttin’ up numbers you normally see on microwave timers. Congrats to Alex for survivin’ the world’s ugliest win, and Nazim… if you miss the playoffs with Jonathan Taylor, we gon’ have to call a priest, a therapist, and maybe a statistician.

Ali vs Rimmel

“Great googly moogly, mes amis—Rimmel just won a fantasy matchup 72.5 to 65, and the only explanation is that Ali’s team is performin’ like it’s actively protestin’ the sport of football. This wasn’t a matchup… this was two drunk nutria fightin’ over a moldy beignet. Rimmel—RIMMEL—put up 72.5 and STILL won, even though: Amon-Ra St. Brown gave him a glorious, heavenly bagel: 0.0 points. Jaxon Smith-Njigba strutted in with a mighty 3.3 points, which is the fantasy equivalent of showin’ up to work, signin’ in, and immediately takin’ lunch break. And Ali STILL couldn’t beat that. Lord help us. Ali’s roster is so bad this year I’m startin’ to think he’s runnin’ a social experiment. At this point it’s not a rebuild—it’s a controlled demolition. Every week he submits a lineup that look like he drafted blindfolded while ridin’ a mechanical bull. And we all know what’s comin’, cher… That lemonade stand punishment. Ali finna be out there on the sidewalk, sellin’ 50-cent cups of despair, beggin’ passersby to believe he once had fantasy hopes and dreams. Folks gon’ walk up like, “Son, what happened?” and he’ll have to whisper, “I started the wrong flex in Week 6… and it’s been downhill ever since.” So congrats to Rimmel for winnin’ the ugliest matchup in league history, and Ali? Start workin’ on your apron skills, cher. Lemonade season is comin’ fast.

Chris vs Colten

“Chris might’ve beaten Colten 96.2 to 76.5, but we ain’t talkin’ about the score today, non, non — we talkin’ about this man’s mouth, which operate like a busted leaf blower sprayin’ nonsense in every direction. Chris out here deliverin’ hot takes with the enthusiasm of a man who woke up and chose to insult every human demographic in alphabetical order. In the fantasy league lore — and I mean purely in the exaggerated, mythological, over-the-top way we joke about him — Chris got the energy of somebody who logs on just to make sure everybody feels equally disrespected. Equal-opportunity chaos. Diversity through disaster. Half the league messages he sends sound like they come from a man who argues with strangers at gas stations for sport. The other half sound like rejected lines from a Cajun soap opera villain who monologues about “people these days” while stirrin’ a gumbo of bad opinions. So this week’s recap is simple: Chris won the matchup, but he still losin’ the moral Super Bowl by a margin wider than the Mississippi. Clean it up, cher. Talk to folks nice. You ain’t gotta roast every race, species, zodiac sign, and fantasy manager in the tri-parish area just because Brock Purdy threw a pick last week.

“Alright mes amis, that’s all the fantasy foolishness for this week — Coach Lane ‘Geaux Where I Wanna Geaux’ Kiffin signin’ off from deep in the bayou, where the mosquitoes big as linebackers and the decision-makin’ is always questionable. And before y’all start chirpin’ again — ‘Lane, why you left Ole Miss? Lane, why you jump ship? Lane, where your loyalty at?’ — let me break it down real slow like gravy on rice: I didn’t LEAVE Ole Miss, cher… LSU done called me home. You hear that? H O M E. Like a gator returnin’ to his swamp. Like a crawfish smellin’ the boil from three parishes away. Like me seein’ a job with better gumbo AND a bigger paycheck. Ole Miss was nice, yeah — sweet folks, pretty campus, good food — but LSU had that siren song of the bayou, whisperin’: “Lane… come get these five-stars and poor life decisions…” What I’m supposed to do, huh? Ignore destiny? Ignore jambalaya tradition? Ignore the fact that purple and gold make my hair look GOOD under stadium lights? No sir, no ma’am, no cher. I just followed my heart — and my stomach — and my wallet — straight down the Mississippi like a man ridin’ destiny’s airboat. So until next week, y’all behave, set ya lineups, and remember: If life ever gives you a choice between stayin’ comfortable or joinin’ LSU… you grab your visor, hop in the nearest pirogue, and yell ‘GEAUX TIGERS’ till the swamp echoes back.”

FUCK YOU CHRIS!

THE DETAILS:

Week 13 Auction Report ($10+):

• Parth = A. Mitchell ($40) over Rimmel ($20) and Ali ($3)

Week 13 High/Low Points:

• Most = Humza (150.6)

• Least = Ali (65.0)

HIGH TOTALS YTD:

• Rimmel = $20

• Nazim = $30

• Alex = $20

• Colten = $10

• Kyriacos = $10

• Humza = $20 + League Cup Champion

• Ahsan = $10

• Chris = $10

LOW TOTALS YTD:

• Ali = 4

• Parth = 5

• Ahsan = 2

• Rimmel = 1

• Sean = 1

Close Games (<2 points):

• Week 1 = Colten (W) v Ahsan (100.9-100.5)

• Week 2 = None

• Week 3 = Yaseer (W) v Chris (85.6-84.1)

• Week 4 = None

• Week 5 = Nazim (W) v Humza (118.7-118.3)

• Weeks 6-13 = None

Semi-Close Games (2-5 points):

• Week 1 = Rimmel (W) v Humza (83.1-79.7)

• Weeks 2-3 = None

• Week 4 = Rimmel (W) v Nazim (123.2-118.7) & Ahsan (W) v Yaseer (121.1-116.6)

• Week 5 = Kyriacos (W) v Yaseer (106.3-102.5)

• Week 6 = Ali (W) v Parth (91.2-87.6)

• Weeks 7-8 = None

• Week 9 = Yaseer (W) v Ali (74.8-70.9)

• Week 10 = None

• Week 11 = Sean (W) v Kyriacos (108.0-105.2) & Parth (W) v Nazim (101.8-96.9)

• Week 12 = Chris (W) v Kyriacos (118.4-113.4) & Colten (W) v Ahsan (103.0-98.9)

• Week 13 = None

PLAYOFFS:

• Clinched Playoffs:

  • Rimmel - also clinched division and bye week

  • Humza

  • Alex

  • Chris

• Eliminated:

  • Kyriacos

  • Ali

  • Parth

    • All teams are 4-9 and bottom two after this week will be in the last place game

• Still in the running:

  • Nazim

  • Yaseer

  • Sean

  • Ahsan

  • Colten

    • There are too many scenarios for me to draw out at this point to figure who would make it in what scenario so lets just see what happened...

7-7:

The curious case of 7-7 may return.. more on that next week if I end up losing again this week...