Week 9 LoL FFL Post:

Nazim Parupia
Nov 13, 2021
5 min read

My name is Nazzy Potter.

Hello Nazzy Potter. My name is Chris Riddle, but I AM LORDGAYBOI!!!!

You see Nazzy? It was a name I was already using at Hogwarts, with my most intimate gay friends only, of course. You think I was going to use my filthy Heteroggle father’s name forever? I, keep the name of a foul, common Heteroggle, who abandoned me even before I was born, all because they could sense the gayness seeping from my pores! I hence have fashioned myself a new name, a name I knew full heterosexual wizards everywhere would one day fear to speak, when I had become the greatest gayboi in the world!

How did we get to this point you may ask?

How did such a promising young Hogwarts student go off the straight and narrow path of liking women to being this gay?

Sadly, the day came when Chris Riddle looked upon the Mirror of Erised and saw a room full of naked men, and just knew in his heart that he was queer. Nothing could be done. He was driven mad by the vision of endless dicks. The madness in the end, lead LordGayBoi to make more WhoreCruxes than were ever recorded in wizard history! Unfortunately, for all involved, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will just not fucking die!! We need someone to destroy all his WhoreCruxes and fulfill Sybill Trelawney’s 1st prophecy! Until that day, we just do like a bunch magic and shit for fun.

Week 9 In Review

Alibus Dumbledore vs Yasverus Snape

Before this matchup the great Alibus Dumbledore was already slowly dying. He took the opportunity to ask Yasverus Snape to put him out of his misery, once and for all! 1st year pupil Jaylen Waddle continues to be a standout in all his spell classes. Yasverus sent the final Avada Kedavra when he hit Alibus with the Lamareous Jackslyarmus!! Alibus was just too weak from losing his 5th straight game. He was once undefeated, but his recent fall from Astronomy Tower was one we will never forget. Not even non-football-player Justin Tucker himself could save him. Great win for Yasverus!

Ahsanco Malfoy vs Nazzy Potter

Ahsanco did the one thing that was necessary to beat any young wizard - He started Gregory Zuerlein for a net gain of 0 points! Without the kicker position, he relied on his pure blood to foil Nazzy’s lackluster spells. America’s Quidditch Team was a total let down, as CeeDee did jackshit to help Nazzy’s victory cause. In the end, the Malfoy name grows stronger as Ahsanco wins his 4th straight duel! Nazzy fully found out that wizarding families are much better than others. Should have taken the hand, Potter!!

Sean Weasley vs Parmione Granger

In this love fest, 1st-year Najee couldn’t get Parmione over the hump (wish I could jump the real Hermione, am I right)—But alas, it’s tough when both quidditch seekers only score 18 points - combined! That’s the most vital position in the game and it can’t just be entrusted to someone with a generic ass name like Mike White. Also, something is off with Mr. Weasley’s seeker specifically. He must have uttered the name of You-Know-Who because he turned into Patricia Mahomo real fast! Sean is now tied with 5 teams atop his division at 4-5 hahahaha…...And now Parmione gets to enter into holy matrimony once again. Well, after the Second Wizarding War of course.

Rimmelbeus Hagrid vs Kyrimpe Maxime

Our second love fest of the week. Kyrimpe keeps going on-and-on-and-on about how GREAT Rinmelbeus has been this year. During the Triwizard PreDraft Tournament their relationship blossomed. Rimmelbeus was approached and gifted unbelievable treasures from Kyrimpe to show affection/admiration. This love, however, didn’t end in marriage, as both 1st picks in Kyrimpe’s life seem to be on the rocks. Like no, someone is stoning my running backs with literal rocks tho. No matter how many L’s Hagrid takes this year, Kyrimpe will be right by his side with adoration! Love you Hagrid!!

Parish Pettigrew vs Sirius Colt

Okay——so——this one is a wtf. Like—nothing Harry Potter related to say here. What in the flyinnfucc was this game. This is the 1st time in my fantasy football experience, that a team started an injured 0-point QB and actually won the game. I don’t recall a time, EVER, that this has happened!!Nazzy can fact check me. What’s worse is that Mason Crosby missed 2 field goals that would have not only won the game for Colten but would have sent the Chiefs game into OT. I hate gotdamn kickers so so much! Just be better bro. You make 3.5 million dollars to kick a funny shaped ball through a semi-rectangle, suspended in air. STOP SUCKING SO MUCH ASS, that’s Chris Riddle’s job!

Chris Riddle aka LORDGAYBOI vs Humzalstor Moody

This is usually the part where I lay into Chris for being a LilGayBoi. However, I actually feel for Chris Riddle here. I mean what kind of fucking monster murders his own parents and grandparents? Speaking of massacre, he murdered another poor soul. Ole Mad Eye himself stood no chance against the unspeakable dark gay magic that Chris holds near and dear to his lil faggoty heart. Fortunate for us, Humzalstor can see all the way through LordGayBoi’s bullshit. He sees that it’s all a facade. His gay reign will come to an end!! Soon he will have to face the boy who lived once again. And this time he will be disintegrated into ash right before Humzalstor’s good eye. In the words of the great Bart Scott, CAN’T WAIT!!

NOTES FROM NAZ

· Predicted Kcos would beat Rimmel 109-87. Actual score was 106-87…

· No other notes this week sorry, got a lot of other stuff to take care of this weekend

AUCTION REPORT

- Colten got Jordan Howard for $30 over Sean ($20), Yas ($9), Chris ($8), Naz ($7)

- Yas got Elijah Moore for $14 over Rimmel ($10)

- Kcos got Titans Defense for $6 over Ahsan ($5)

WEEKLY PAYOUTS

Week 8 Most Points: Yaseer

- Humza: $10

- Yaseer: $20

- Kyriacos: $30

- Sean: $10

- Parth: $10

- Nazim: $10

Week 8 Least Points: Colten

- Kyriacos: 1

- Sean: 2

- Parth: 1

- Colten: 3

- Rimmel: 2

Kicker Impact in Week 9: Alex wins 66-61.8 thanks to 7 points from Greg Joseph and -1 point from Mason Crosby

YTD: 4x (Ali is 2-1 & Alex beat Colten because we have a kicker spot)

Dolphins New Logo

WEEK 9 POWER RANKINGS

WEEK 10 PREDICTIONS

Colten v Naz: 93-107

Ahsan v Ali: 104-109

Yas v Rimmel: 118-88

Kcos v Humza: 124-102

Chris v Sean: 97-82

Parth v Alex: 110-107

Top Scorer: Kcos

Week 9 Predictions: 2-4

YTD: 25-23

The Carolina Panthers are currently paying Cam Newton’s replacement, Cam Newton’s replacement’s replacement, and for Cam Newton to replace his replacement’s replacement