2022 Week 13 LoL FFL Post:

BROUGHT TO YOU BY KYRIACOS

SBF here boys, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve made the media circuit to clear up these misconceptions that I mislead my customers/investors, but I do want to say that I made a lot of missteps along the way. How was I supposed to know that it was illegal to back-channel customer funds into Alameda to use for my own orgy sex toy fund for my private island house? How was I supposed to know that my lil hobbit looking polyamorous girlfriend would sing like a fucking canary, and let the whole world know I’m a fraud, oh sorry ‘’alllllleeeeeegeddddly’’ *winky face. I just want you all to rest assured, that I am not a criminal. I am merely a moron, and that is the defense I will give when I’m indicted. Yes, some have called me the genius wiz kid in the past, however that in fact is not the case. I actually lost over 10 billion dollars in assets in a span of 8 days, which has to lower my IQ 100 points right? Oh well, fuck it, as long as I start working out in jail I can beat off all the Chris Brookses that make their advances toward me. Ahhh shit, poor choice of words. Also, once I get out, I’m excited to introduce my new coin DIC, because that dick coming in hard soon.

Let’s get into these football games you all seem to like so much:

Also thank God it’s the last week of the regular season.

Yaseer vs Kyriacos

Well, it appears Kyriacos is like some of my bright celeb investors, just a fucking schmuck, getting taken for all he’s worth. What a joke of a man. You guys thought I was bad? This fucking clown couldn’t even illegally acquire have the assets I was able to finagle out of disillusioned get-rich-quick greedy fucks. Yeah, I said it. Kyriacos is the epitome of mediocre/subpar. He would be the 8th person I would fuck in a 10-person orgy. Chris obviously being last. Yaseer on the other hand is a top tier fuck. 1st place polyamorous orgy guy right there. He picked up Christian Watson off waivers right before he goes off for >20 points a game. Once again, moron Kyriacos. Yaseer also picked up a exonerated man, like myself, in Deshaun Watson. A true victim of this bullshit legal system, that I will eventually be succumb to. Calm down Chris, I said succumb not secum you sick fuck. Kyriacos got 30 points from his defense and still barely cracked 100 points. He got raped like a retiree giving me their life savings. Sucks to suck. Eat shit.

Sean vs Humza

Next up we have a metaphorical holocaust of sorts. In this story unfortunately, in this story the Jews don’t rise back up to power to control every aspect of our financial/media systems. I see you Ye. I disagree with your main premise as a Jew myself, but I see you dawg. Crazies recognize crazy. But alas, Humza is destined to violate a Teddy bear, like I violated the crypto exchange. Humza sets a new record for the lowest points in a game eclipsing his own brother, not just a mere 3 weeks ago. I can’t imagine failing at anything at life. My well to do rich elitist parents would be so ashamed if I was exposed as the fraud Humza has become. There’s always next year my man. The punishment will be severe, but last place will always have a spot for you, my man. Sorry not sorry. I’d do it again. Fuck money, it’s all just a number on a computer screen anyway. Am I right? Fucking evil laugh place marker here Hahahahahahahahaha

Ahsan vs Parth

Parth margin called Ahsan’s ass in the final minutes of this matchup. I’ve fortunately have never been in a position where I lose in that situation. When there’s a close call, I ALWAYS win BIG! Dalvin Cook, Ahsan’s top pick in the draft, was left on the bench. The same way I left, everyone who trusted me, on the poor house bench. Oh sorry, my lawyer is calling. Aghmmm, I had no idea that it was wrong to move funds from an open exchange to my own private company, to conduct risky trades with money that was not mine in the first place. Okay, glad I officially cleared that up. You know who’s not in the clear, Ahsan. Until you lose by 0.1 though, with it all on the line, against the man you gave it all up for, don’t talk to me.

Rimmel vs Ali

Rimmel is like the crypto/NFT exchange and Ali is like FTX. On the outside, it looks serviceable, authenticated and sophisticated. But deep down it’s flawed at its core. Speaking of being flawed at its core, what the FUCK, is Kirk Cousins? Dude is elite? Dude is not elite? Dude gets paid like a spending spree I had in the Bahamas the last 6 months. Bro is so yoked and iced out he shoulda been on my payroll. I’m so confused by him. Sadly, Ali has been exposed and will now be facing off in the Teddy Bear Bowl regardless of the outcome next week. Meanwhile, Rimmel’s quest to repeat is still very much alive and I’m saddened to see that. As a fan of this game I’ve never watched, this is would be a tragedy for some, and a hypothetical triumph for others. Fuck!!!

Colten vs Chris

Ahhh and we finally get to the queer boy. The last guy on earth I would want to be cellmates with. If Chris and I were in a cell together, I would attempt to distract him with a 8-10 percent return before he could get my pants fully down. I would try and get most of liquid assets, knowing full well, he owes Sallie Mae, half his fucking net worth. What a joke. For a fucking history degree. I coulda taught that it 5 words. Shit happened, get over it. There you go, you fucking got the degree Chris. But you still got schooled last week by Colten. Shit, I think if the season was 4 weeks longer, you’d be closing out a bar tab with ole Ted yourself. You fuck. Just glad Christian MaFuckinCaffery woke up for once in a 9ers uniform. Chris, seek professional help. I hate you still, now that the defense playing the Texans did nothing for me.

Naz vs Alex

Ahhhhh again, last but not least. We have Nazim ‘FantasyFootballHatesMe’ Parupia. Wow. Just wow. Like when I take the stand in a few short months, I have no words. I plead the 5th here. This is a complete and utter embarrassment. The amount of calamities that need to transpire to be this moment, have to be like 1,000,000 to 1. This dude called up everyone. This dude had like 20 trades this year. This dude bet the farm and all he got was a Bored Ape T-shirt and the crypto coins I made up on the fly. Alex once again proved why he’s a league favorite. But I’m still stuck on how Nazim let this happen? And I’m a guy who everyone is asking WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? I guess in the end, the moral of the story, is stay in your lane, try your best and never ever, by any means necessary, trade any asset with Nazim ‘FantasyFootballHatesMe’ Parupia. Oops my legal team has just now advised me that I’ve said to much. See you all soon in my CSPAN court proceedings next summer. Ah who am I fucking kidding? No one watches fucking CSPAN. SBF out.

NAZ’S NOTES

I was going to write about my story this past weekend and the lengths that this season has gone onto to not allow me into the playoffs… It is just the most unfortunate set of circumstances, but I can no longer endure the pain of this season. Brevity will follow from here on out. But some stats on my season:

- 5 losses out of the last 6 weeks

- I will end up at 7-7 once again, this time not enough to make the playoffs

- I have the 3rd most points scored at 1414 through 13 weeks

- I have the most points scored against me at 1435 through 13 weeks

- I have played against the highest scoring team 4 times this year

- I have played against the team’s highest scoring game of the season 3 times this year

- On average for my 7 losses, the team I played scored an average of 129 points against me… To put that in perspective, of the 156 scores put up this season thus far, only 21 has a team scored over 129 points… That’s a 13% chance of it occurring and my games accounted for 33% of them ☹

- THE FANTASY GODS HATE ME!

- And next year is a lost cause… I’ll see y’all in 2024!

PLAYOFF SCENARIOS

LAST PLACE GAME: ALI v HUMZA – next week!

PLAYOFF TEAMS: ALEX, AHSAN, SEAN, PARTH, YASEER, and COLTEN

ALEX has clinched the division and will be on bye next week & will have the #1 seed unless:

- L this week AND

o Ahsan L & Parth W – PARTH #1

o Ahsan W & Parth W (& Alex does not outscore Ahsan by 27+ points) – AHSAN #1

AHSAN wins the division with a W this week & Parth L

PARTH wins the division with a W this week

COLTEN & YASEER & SEAN cannot win their divisions – only playing for seeding at this point

CHRIS & NAZIM & KYRIACOS & RIMMEL are eliminated and only playing for consolation seeding

AUCTION REPORT

- Who cares anymore…

WEEKLY PAYOUTS

Week 13 Most Points: Alex

Totals YTD:

- Alex: $20

- Yaseer: $30

- Kyriacos: $10

- Rimmel: $10

- Naz: $20

- Parth: $20

- Ahsan: $20

Week 13 Least Points: Humza

Totals YTD:

- Kyriacos: 3

- Ali: 2

- Yaseer: 2

- Humza: 5

- Sean: 1

CLOSE GAMES (< 2-point difference)

Week 1: Rimmel [W] v Humza & Colten [W] v Ahsan

Week 2: Ali v Naz [W]

Week 3: Ali v Humza [W] & Naz [W] v Sean

Week 4: None

Week 5: None

Week 6: Colten v Rimmel [W]

Week 7: None

Week 8: Ahsan v Alex [W]

Week 9: None

Week 10: Kcos [W] v Humza

Week 11: None

Week 12: None

Week 13: Parth [W] v Ahsan

SEMI-CLOSE GAMES (5-point difference)

Week 1: None

Week 2: Ali v Naz [W]

Week 3: None

Week 4: Naz [W] v Rimmel

Week 5: Colten [W] v Parth

Week 6: Ahsan [W] v Humza

Week 7: None

Week 8: Chris [W] v Rimmel

Week 9: Naz v Ahsan [W] & Rimmel v Kcos [W]

Week 10: Yas [W] v Rimmel

Week 11: None

Week 12: Parth [W] v Yas & Chris [W] v Kcos

Week 13: None

WEEK 13 PREDICTIONS RESULTS

[L] Alex v Naz: 97-103

[W] Sean v Humza: 107-78

[L] Ahsan v Parth: 115-109

[W] Yas v Kcos: 110-90

[W] Rimmel v Ali: 122-75

[W] Colten v Chris: 102-86

Top Scorer: [L] Rimmel

Week 13: 4-2

YTD: 51-21 +1

WEEK 14 PREDICTIONS

Naz v Humza: 104-54

Yas v Colten: 97-110

Kcos v Ahsan: 69-114

Ali v Alex: 77-108

Rimmel v Sean: 100-98

Chris v Parth: 75-109

Top Scorer: Ahsan

WEEK 13 BETS REVIEW

Naz’s Cover-4:

1. [W] Buffalo Bills (-5) @ New England Patriots

2. [L] Tennessee Titans (+5.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles

3. [L] Denver Broncos @ Baltimore Ravens (-8)

4. [W] Los Angeles Chargers @ Las Vegas Raiders (+2)

Week 13: 2-2 | Net Profit: -40

YTD: 25-22-1 | -180

WEEK 14 BETS

Naz’s Cover-4:

1. Las Vegas Raiders (-6) @ Los Angeles Rams

2. Jacksonville Jaguars (+3.5) @ Tennessee Titans

3. Carolina Panthers @ Seattle Seahawks (-3.5)

4. New England Patriots @ Arizona Cardinals (+1.5)