2022 Week 4 LoL FFL Post:

Nazim Parupia
Oct 5, 2022
7 min read

BROUGHT TO YOU BY KYRIACOS

Dearest mother—

I write you with stupendous news. Our unit was victorious in battle over the weekend. The feeling has been more than thrilling. You were the only one who believed. And with your valiant confidence, my sidearm was true and my soldier’s brave. I shall celebrate with a bath and a bottle of squirrel oil. Our journey from the depths of hell was painful but bright. I miss thee every day. However, I have troubling news, Colonel Ali has fallen. The doctors have not pronounced his death, but he is definitely the most wounded from battle. Sadly, Brother Chris remains in constant quarrel with his urges, but I continue to pray for his soul. The other day we caught him behind the barn again. He states he was simply checking the belt loop sturdiness of Activist Nassib’s trousers. The stains on his lapel and uniform seem to suggest otherwise. He also took a bullet directly to the knee this week. We believe it was The Good Lord punishing him for his sin. The good news, is that the campaign is still young, and more opportunities are afoot. I will heed your advice and never falter in my faith, no matter how bleak the dawn seems.

With love,

Capt. SlumdogMilli

General Naz vs Lieutenant Rimmel

Before anything else mother, I must inform you that the entire brigade’s deepest condolences go out to Corporal Tuanigamanuolepola. It’s with great sorrow that I must report he sustained the dreaded chronically traumatizing encephalitis. Our unit surrounded him with great sorrow and prayed over his corpse. General Naz was the only one who seemed at odds with the group’s sentiments. He made a passing comment that stuck with me. He said, ‘’Ehh, shit happens.’’ We will conduct a thorough investigation into what truly happened that fateful night, and all involved parties will be dealt with swiftly. Lieutenant Rimmel is our finest soldier, and he was not done justice in this battle. Admiral Kelce just couldn’t get him over the hump. Calm down Brother Chris. General Naz narrowly escapes again. We shall see when his luck will run out. It’s like you always say mother, ‘’You can’t break every Corporal’s neck on your way to the top.’’ But for this week, congrats General Naz.

Major Alex vs Colonel Ali

This is Ground control to Major Alex, you’ve left forevermore, and you’re floating in most peculiar way, and the stars look very different to you todayyyyy. Sorry my dearest mother, that fateful tune will not have been written for another 200 years. However, I must tell you, Major Alex can’t seem to miss on the battlefield. His KD ratio is better than anyone else in my unit. He continues to amaze us all. When I first met him, I wrote him off as a fast talking, aloof, whiskey drinking, draft dodging baboon. But now my ass is the red one. Red with the furry of jealousy. I can’t imagine what it must feel like. To be that good and that spot on each week. Speaking of envy, Colonel Ali is the direct opposite. He is consistently spot off. We have all tried to work with him. Even after spending his $37 month’s pay on the best riffle money could buy, he is simply the biggest liability in battle. I’m not even sure he knows who the enemy is anymore. He has supreme skills as medic, but he can’t seem stop his own bleeding. When the science catches up, we shall check his Vitamin K levels. In other daunting news, Private Patterson has sustained a serious injury. I just can’t fathom how much more bad news Colonel Ali can take anymore. It’s too much for one man. Meanwhile, Major Alex keeps on floating, awaaayyyyyy.

Admiral Yaseer vs Corporal Ahsan

Mother, I have received your care package of spiced raccoon calves, sweetened sparrow wrists, and, of course, precious hog hooves. With these great care package, we should battle ready. I did need to tell you that Admiral Yaseer wasn’t battle ready last week. He chose to commit treason against his own country. He was caught by the proverbial outhouse with his pants down. Corporal Ahsan found out and beat on him like an Injun with a deer skinned drum. We are all troubled to have learned this. We never expected one of our own to be working with the enemy. Private Ricky James and the Detroit City defensive brigade informed us they had infiltrated Yaseer’s plan and worked to circumvent his dealings. Thank God for Ricky James. Adding him to the ranks was a crucial mistake for the Admiral. Corporal Ahsan finds himself in good favor with the unit now. We will see that he gets a fit reward. No Chris, not that.

Sergeant Sean vs Brigadier Humza

Mother, it pains me to say that President Jefferson, inked his quil this week and formally discharged Brigadier Humza from his duty. He now wallows in shame. Just like Cadet Gordon, he is negatively impacted by his abysmal performance. He laid down his musket and wept. We tried to tell him that each of us have had weak moments and that this won’t define. Brother Chris even opened up to him about his own transgressions against God. But Brigadier Humza rejected those homosexual advances, packed his things, and left the unit. Guilt riddled, I reached out to his boot camp colleagues Allen and George. But I was saddened to learn they went awol months back. It’s a tragic state of affairs. I am grief stricken with the burden of keeping my men’s morale high. Sergeant Sean led a vigil of remembrance for his brother. I picked up my fiddle and knelt while I played our nation song. That beautiful song, penned so graciously 20 years ago by Francis Scott Key, my unit knelt in unity. We knelt for freedom and liberty. We knelt for all those who can’t knee. We knelt and thought of Humza. A single tear fell on my cheek. I wiped it away, and then without a pause, we all burst into laughter, got drunk, and fell asleep. Haram.

Brother Chris vs Specialist Colten

Alas mother, I am amazed by the levels at which Brother Chris lusts for his own gender. I can’t seem to break his desires. We all have worked tirelessly to stop him. To turn him to what is good and pure. But he just keeps on coming, back for more. Pray for strength. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for healing. Specialist Colten lashed him good last week, after he tried yet again to ‘’See the Big Dipper.’’ But nothing is getting through to him. He tells me this is the way God has made him. He tells me he can’t change. Who next will fall victim to his advances? Who next will be startled from behind in the night? My camp is struggling to reconcile his actions. He is but a gooey white slimy stain that won’t wash out. Congrats to Specialist Colten for the flogging his bestowed.

Or Chris after hearing Tom Brady is single...

Captain Slumdog vs Father Parth

Lastly mother, I humbly end with this. I AM THE GREATEST. I am. The greatest. I personally found a way. I summoned everything within my being to produce something magical. Nothing as magical as a newborn infant child. Congrats to Father Parth on the welcoming of Baby Myles to our unit. May he raise him up to fight alongside us one day. As long as he doesn’t wear the dreaded burnt orange of our enemies, the child shall be welcomed with open arms. In haste, I must repeat this victorious battle next week and thereafter. I shan’t waste my talented, all be it ragtag bunch of assembled troops. Regretfully mother, I must lay down my quil now. There is still much work to be done. Next time I write you I promise to write of future triumph and valor.

With great love,

Your slummydog

Ps - Fuck Chris

NAZIM’S NOTES

- Alex still sits alone at the top, 4-0, with an ESPN projected 93% (last week: 87%) chance to make the playoffs

- Kyriacos raised his chances now to a projected 15% chance (last week: 6%) with a win

- Ali is down to a 4% chance (last week: 7%)

- From Last Week: “Everyone is net positive or negative correctly with their respective winning or losing records, except for myself and Ahsan: I am 2-1 despite more points being scored on me for the season and Ahsan is 1-2 despite outscoring his opponents for the season” – still true lol

- 2-2 is still the record to get into the playoffs, but despite that, Chris now has a 27% chance to make the playoffs even though he is 2-2

- 3 straight weeks for me now with close calls in these games