2022 Week 5 LoL FFL Post:

Nazim Parupia
Oct 12, 2022
6 min read

BROUGHT TO YOU BY KYRIACOS

Depression has set in. I also play Alex this week. Not sure what do. Definitely gonna lose. I told Naz to bet me vs Yas. A joke. I am a joke. They say misery loves company, and Ali is doing his part. Thanks bro. Naz literally just sent some Hail Mary trades into the chat a couple of minutes ago. I’m sure he won’t lose a game now. Why can’t I be creative? Why don’t I find sleepers in the waiver like Tommy T? How is it so likely that I will have a steak dinner with a teddy bear? Luckily Chris is fighting the same depression as me. Same hopelessness. Dude just traded away Joe Burrow and Jamar Chase for a can of beans. I’m shook. $37 for Jeff Wilson which means Jacoby Brissett and Treylon Burks worth almost $19 each? Also, Chris just dropped $25 on Taysom Hill. This fantasy season is bananas. So, let’s get into it. Oh, the theme is sad guy with bad team. #justslummynomillionaire

Also, I just looked and of course I play Naz Week 7 after the PEDs are out of Deandre’s system, after Dak’s thumb correctly aligns to his hand, after he made 2 radical Hail Mary trades. Fml

Kyriacos vs Yas

Gerald Everette, you piece of shit. Rashaad Penny, you. piece. of. shit. Russel Wilson, you unbelievable sad excuse of the 4th QB drafted overall Piece of literal shit. Derrick Henry fucked me like I was a skeleton shrine infront of Jeff Dahmer’s tube TV. My eyes are in pain watching consecutive 1 yard wildcat carries until I’m Chris Olave Gumby man. Also, he’s WR so unprotected, if that’s a QB 15 yards, the ball, a lawsuit, and a free sub at Subway. Fuck you, Russ! What’s the most dangerous thing I’ve ever done? Watched Thursday night football from start to finish. You incompetent swine, bacon on your Subway sandwich, Haram, prolly MAGA voting, Ciara snuggling, Future kid raising, can’t find the end zone, piece of garbage. Okay I’m done. Congrats to Yas tho. He had 2 players with 0 points, and I still lost. I am trash can emoji. Tua me off on a stretcher and then old yeller my ass. I should wear a sign on my neck that reads ‘’Free Dubs This Way’’ with an arrow pointing directly in my mouth. I don’t even care how much the thought of this turns on Chris. You homoerroticlovingweirdo. But yeah, nice win Yas. And scene.

Rimmel vs Ali

The battle of my favorites. I don’t even know what to say here. Rimmel was 9.4 points of beating Ali by 100. He legit almost Wilt Chamberlained his ass and it’s only Week 5. Austin Eckler and Travis Kelce alone almost outscored Ali’s entire roster. Najee Harris got mollywapped into oblivion. I mean good Lord, kickingnonfootballathlete Tyler Bass outscored 3 of Ali’s players. This is clinical depression bad. Me and Ali need Zoloft and fortunately he has prescribing privileges. Hold the child dosages please. I request maximum strength with a side of vodka in a sippy-cup. Haram. Fml. See you at a booth for 4 in Vegas with us on one side and our giant life-sized Teddy Bears carrying on their own conversation while we weep uncomfortably. But the chosen son, the Andrew Tate of football, deserves all of his due. Even tho he passed on Malcom X in the racial draft. #WhitePower. He still managed to be top scorer this week.

Humza vs Naz

Humza smackin hoes like he’s Devante Adams in an opposing tunnel! Regular SZN Lenny and the San Fran D come up big in this one as Naz rides the fantasy football rollercoaster that he seems to find every season. At least your ride has ups you ungrateful POS. Sorry Haram. Naz for some reason decided to pick up Jared Goff after I cut him. Even after he saw what Bill Belichick did to him in the Super Bowl. Horrible, horrible, kneecap bittingly bad. Also, side note, the Lions gave Dan Campbell a 6-year deal. But like is he on the hot seat already? Do they miss alleged gang rapist Matt Patricia already? Damn, but atleast they could gang tackle under Patricia. Humza closes this one out sending Naz into a corner, and he reverted back to his traderous ways to get out. Let’s see how the up and down ride goes from here. LET’S RIDE! Sorry Parth.

Alex vs Sean

Everyone hit a knee and hear me out. Sean got fully blackballed in this matchup. Even with Nick Chubb, he couldn’t activate his activism for change. Like his idol’s Raiders private workout, it’s an L. Alex on the other hand has taken over the league, like a Univeristy of Texas Booster, in an 18-year-old high school kid’s childhood room, with a brown paper bag, and a dream of potential glory. Looks as tho Alex will reach that glory. He’s for sure winning it all right? Well not if Naz has just 1 more trade left in him to squeeze out. There has been a combination of conditional picks that can stop this inevitable Alex championship. Please Naz. Algorithm the F out of this one. For us all. Congrats Alex and I await my lashing next week. I stand for the oppressed at bended knee welcoming this injustice you’re about to give me this week. But I do it not for me, but for the marginalized. I take all of the pain and I channel it for their own good. I’m not a martyr, I’m just a guy in a mission for change. To change this oppression. Sadly, my own oppression will never end. Fml

Colten vs Parth

In our GOTW, the only thing keeping Parth from victory was the defense he chose. Like a Nathaniel Hackett late game decision, this can be very challenging to get right. I mean on paper, the Chargers defense appears to be stacked, but on paper you would also assume that trading for a $245 million-dollar, 5 foot 10 inch franchise QB, who’s won a Super Bowl in the past would also breed success. Unfortunately, both decisions have cost Parth dearly. One definitely more emotionally but the other more pridefully. Like a Dak Prescott HIPAA violation, we’re here for you. Colten does it a game. Trading up for Kupp proved to be worth it as he continues to pull games out.

Chris vs Ahsan

Ding Dong the Fag Is Dead! I would like to send a special thank you to Ahsan. You are in fact a hero amongst men. You have single handedly ended Chris’s false hope in somehow winning this league. Mahomes fucked ya too good huh Chris? You done got Freiermuthed into oblivion! You done got Herberted into an African casket dance line. You done got Chased in your own morgue storage vault. You done got Burrowed underground in your own grave, you big ole goofy fuck! You done been Browned to shit. You done been Folked so good. Thank you again Ahsan! Love xoxoxo

PS Chris, I look forward to our consolation championship game matchup where I send you into last place and reclaim my self-esteem. At my own behest, and like Nazim’s new QB, I hope to manifest this reality for myself…and take some ayahuasca.

NAZIM’S NOTES

- Alex, again, for the 3rd week in a row, still sits alone at the top, 4-0, with a now ESPN projected 97% (last week: 93%, 2 weeks ago: 87%) chance to make the playoffs

- Kyriacos back down to a projected 7% chance (last week: 15%, 2 weeks ago: 6%)

- Ali is down to a 1% chance (last week: 4%, 2 weeks ago: 7%)

- I MADE TRADES! YAY! SO MANY TRADES THIS WEEK!

- For the record, I tried trading for Leonard Fournette last week and before this week and of course, Humza didn’t want to trade him, and he goes off for 30 points against me… ☹

AUCTION REPORT

- Chris got Taysom Hill for $25 over Colten ($12), Ali ($9), and Kyriacos ($7)

- Humza got Isaiah McKenzie for $20 over Ali ($4)

- Chris got Geno Smith for $15 over Ahsan ($5)

TRADE RECAPS

Naz trades Jacoby Brissett & Treylon Burks + 2023 5th round pick to Ali

Ali trades Aaron Rodgers & Jeff Wilson Jr + 2023 14th round pick to Naz

Naz trades Jared Goff, Mike Boone, Rashod Bateman, and Clyde Edwards-Helaire + 2023 conditional 10th round pick (becomes a 9th round pick if Naz makes the playoffs) + conditional 2024 5th round pick (if Naz wins the championship)

Chris trades Joe Burrow & Ja’Marr Chase + 2023 16th round pick