2024 Week 11 LoL FFL Post:

Nazim Parupia
Nov 21, 2024
9 min read

Dearest mother—

I write you this evening with stupendous news! Our unit has defeated a Union battalion led by a brown-skinned-man who is a philanthropic social-change-agent-warrior named Sergeant Sean. I’m sorry mother for my haste, but I feel somewhat guilty, as Sergeant Sean has done multiple moments of remembrance from down on his knees for racial-justice. He wants the slaves freed. I know it’s unbelievable. Disgusting. He was begging me to show him mercy and to stop. I however, didn’t listen. But I did get you a snazzy commemorative pin (Not a ring sadly) for my efforts. Although, the things I did to him to get it…..I believe are only acts of the devil himself. The kind of wicked acts that I’ve yet see since the days of a sissy-frikle like my Brother Chris. Who continues dishonored you and papa. Don’t worry I will defeat him to this week. I will work tirelessly to gain your forgiveness for what I did to Sean, as I now share in Chris’ sinful ways. My JA17 sidearm has put me on top again and my soldiers are excited at the thought of further battle victories. Our journey from the depths of the ridicule of draft night, was painful, but I know this to be true, I had faith one day I would be vindicated. And I was!

Mama, I do miss thee every day.

Brother Chris has yet to repent for the things he’s done in his past, but I continue to pray for his soul. The other day we caught him again behind the barn. He states he was simply checking the belt loop sturdiness again of now Retired Admiral Nassib’s trousers. The stains on his lapel and uniform seem to suggest otherwise. I will one day end his sinful lifestyle, one day I will enact my revenge. The good news, is that the campaign is still young, and more opportunities are afoot. I will heed your advice and never falter in my faith, no matter how bleak the dawn seems.

With love,

Capt. ZeroPointOne

General Naz vs Father Parth

Before anything else mother, I must inform you that the entire brigade’s deepest condolences go out to Father Parth. It’s with great sorrow that I must report that he was attending a matrimonial ceremony, and while celebrating the couple’s loving union, he drafted the worst talent of all time. And in his endless-rage, we can only presume Father Parth ended it all. And now he is the first team to be completely eliminated from playoff contention. We have laid his body in the ground. Our unit surrounded him with great sorrow and prayed over his corpse. General Naz was the only one who seemed at odds with the group’s sentiments. He made a passing comment that stuck with me. He said, ‘’Phew…GGs.’’ We will conduct a thorough investigation into what truly happened that fateful night to Father Parth. And who may be responsible. But it does seem strange how nonchalantly happy General Naz has been around the campfire the last few nights. Rest in Peace Father Parth. I promise to take care of the kids. (Don’t worry, I’ll keep them away from Colonel Ali)

Lieutenant Rimmel vs Corporal Ahsan

Mother, it pains me to say that President Barkley, inked his quil this week and formally discharged Corporal Ahsan from his duty. He now wallows in shame. Just like Cadet Kelce, he is negatively impacted by his abysmal performance. He laid down his musket and wept. We tried to tell him that each of us have had weak moments and made the mistake of trusted a snake-oil-Pfizer-salesman who is courting a showgirl pop-star. Huge mistake for Corporal Ahsan to place his faith in that mustache-wearing, childless-cat-lady-loving weirdo. A colassal mistake. Brother Chris then even opened up to him about his own transgressions against God while trying to get Ahsan to switch teams. But Corporal Ahsan rejected those homosexual advances, packed his things, and left the unit. I was saddened to learn Corporal Ahsan’s other boot camp colleague Private Purdy went awol right before battle. It’s a tragic state of affairs. I am grief stricken with the burden of keeping my men’s morale high. I will press on. Congratulations to Lieutenant Rimmel, he seems to be soaring this campaign.

Colonel Ali vs Specialist Colten

This battle was a high-ammunition affair between two of our smartest combat leaders. Specialist Colten and Colonel Ali are both medical doctors. One indeed however prefers little children, but we are working with him to repent. Brother Chris is helping. I know mother, you always say a DO is no MD of mine, but trust me he does good work. He’s joined us from the non-slave state of Ohio which has been a nice addition to our bigoted group. Specialist Colten fell faintly short of his goal of success in their duel, but his firearm was finally working. The last few weeks it appeared to not come out of his holster. Specialist Colten was seen down attending to another soldier’s foot, while Colonel Ali appeared to be checking his rectum for child-sized polyps. Sad to say ma ma, this invasion of Colten’s privacy led to his death. Before the procedure, Specialist Colten kept saying ‘’one more Taysom, one more’’. None of us knew with which he was referring. Congratulations Colonel Ali. Allah willing, the epidemic of childhood anal cancer shall be ended by 1853. Prayer hands emoji.

Brigadier Humza vs Admiral Yaseer

Mother— I do have regretfully inform you on an update. We had one more casualty from our long day at battle. Surprisingly while taking Fort Hood, Admiral Yaseer was killed by a duo of bengal tigers who came out of nowhere. I tried to hold up the Holy Cross and garlic like you taught me, but nothing could tame the beast. This bengal tiger duo seems to target our most decorated soldiers week after week, and went directly for Admiral Yaseer’s neck. Yas was heard screaming ‘’Fuck it, I’m still a former champion and death won’t take that away. Top Tier Jannah here I come.’’ Brigadier Humza appears to possible have let the tigers loose in our camp. Don’t worry, tell papa that I will get to the bottom of this. Until then, it does seem like Humza will unleash them on his next victim soon. Congratulations Humza.

Captain ZeroPointOne vs Sergeant Sean

Mother, I have received your care package of spiced raccoon calves, sweetened sparrow wrists, and, of course, precious hog hooves. With these great care package, we should battle ready. I did need to tell you that Sergeant Sean wasn’t battle ready last week. He chose to commit treason against his own country. He was caught by the proverbial outhouse with his pants down. I beat on him like an Injun with a deer skinned drum. We are all troubled to have learned this. We never expected one of our own to be working with the enemy. Private Jajuan Jennings and CommandMaster Bates informed me that they had infiltrated Sean’s plan to circumvent me from my rightful throne and ring! They fortunately stopped his dealings and I have a beautiful new pin for my lapel coming soon. I will wear it with pride. I now am off to hopefully achieve the big reward again. No Chris, not that!!! The trophy, you homosexual freak!!!! Congratulations to me! My men will kiss the new lapel pin next August. :)

Major Alex vs Brother Chris

Alas mother, speaking of Brother Chris, I am constantly amazed by the levels at which he lusts for his own gender. I can’t seem to break his desires. We all have worked tirelessly to stop him. To turn him to what is good and pure. But he just keeps on coming, back for more. Pray for strength. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for healing. He was awful to Major Alex and lashed him good last week….I confronted him on what he has done. But nothing makes him stop. He tells me this is the way God has made him. He tells me he can’t change. Who next has to fall victim like Alex? Who next will be startled from behind in the night? My camp is struggling to reconcile his actions. He is but a gooey white slimy stain that won’t wash out. I am saddened but I know this rape won’t define Major Alex. He will bounce back again. His butthole will heal. He will find his normality again.

Next time I write you I promise to write of future triumph and valor.

With great love,

Yours truly

Capt. ZeroPointOne!

P.S. - Fuck Chris

THE DETAILS:

Week 11 Auction Report ($10+):

· Jonnu Smith = Ahsan ($25) over Kcos ($14) and Ali ($10)

· Trey Benson = Ali ($18)

Week 11 High/Low Points:

· Least = Parth (75.8)

· Most = Humza (141.6)

HIGH TOTALS YTD:

· Sean = $10

· Humza = $50

· Rimmel = $10

· Alex = $20

· Ahsan = $10

· Kcos = $10

LOW TOTALS YTD:

· Colten = 4

· Ahsan = 1

· Chris = 3

· Rimmel = 1

· Parth = 2

- Humza has already made a 3rd of his money back from high points…

- Colten & Parth have officially been eliminated from making the playoffs, but somehow Chris still has a 1% chance… We’ll see who ends up in the last place game and is ineligible for the league cup next year!

Close Games (<2-point difference):

· Week 1 = None

· Week 2 = Sean (W) v Rimmel (106.9-105.1)

· Week 3 = None

· Week 4 = None

· Week 5 = Sean (W) v Alex (120.1-119.4)

· Week 6 = None

· Week 7 = Ahsan (W) v Sean (111.4-110.6)

· Week 8 = None

· Week 9 = Chris (W) v Humza (108.7-108.6)

· Week 10 = None

· Week 11 = None

Semi-Close Games (2-5-points difference):

· Week 1 = Yas (W) v Parth (89.8-85.5)

· Week 2 = None

· Week 3 = None

· Week 4 = Kcos (W) v Parth (79.9-75.5)

· Week 5 = None

· Week 6 = Kcos (W) v Alex (112.3-108.1)

· Week 7 = Ali (W) v Chris (95.4-91.5)

· Week 8 = None

· Week 9 = Sean (W) v Parth (99.7-96.1)

· Week 10 = None

· Week 11 = Naz (W) v Parth (80.3-75.8)

Kicker Impact:

· Week 1 = Naz (W) v Alex

· Week 2 = Sean (W) v Rimmel

· Week 3 = None

· Week 4 = None

· Week 5 = Sean (W) v Alex

· Week 6 = Kcos (W) v Alex

· Week 7 = None

· Week 8 = None

· Week 9 = Sean (W) v Parth

· Week 10 = None

· Week 11 = Chris (W) v Alex

- This marks the 4th time this year Parth has lost in a semi-close matchup…

- This marks the 4th time this year Alex has lost because of his kicker…

LEAGUE CUP:

League Cup will begin THIS week! Who’s excited to see who will take the cup this year?!

- Nazim & Ahsan are ineligible

- Colten & Kyriacos are 1-0 w/tiebreakers

- 3-week sprint, championship game during week 11

UPDATE After Week 8:

· 1-0: Colten, Kyriacos, Humza, Chris, Sean, Ali

· 0-1: Parth, Rimmel, Yaseer, Alex

UPDATE After Week 9:

· 2-0: Kyriacos, Chris, Sean

· 1-1: Yaseer, Alex, Humza, Colten, Ali

· 0-2: Parth, Rimmel

UPDATE After Week 10:

· 3-0: Sean

· 2-1: Kcos, Chris, Alex, Humza, Ali

· 1-2: Rimmel, Yaseer, Colten

· 0-3: Parth

WEEK 11:

· Kcos wins the tiebreaker of 2-1 teams due to being a top 2 team and advances to the championship game against Sean this week

· It is pure coincidence that Sean is actually playing Kcos on the schedule this week, otherwise it would be manually scored – winner gets the 1st ever league cup and the prize money!

· Good luck to everyone next year on making it to the cup championship!

WINNER = Kyriacos

· Somehow Kyriacos ended up winning the league cup this year despite his draft…

· Chris could have won it if he had simply beaten Sean last week…

· I am in favor of changing the rule though that top 2 get both a bye and tiebreaker, we should just make it a bye, but we will vote on this in the offseason