2024 Week 12 LoL FFL Post:

Dear LOL League Members,

This correspondence is to notify you that a complaint has been made against—and filed by—-ALL of you—-12 in TOTAL….During the End of Business Day on Monday, November 25th 2024. (Ugh…F my life)

You are here-by notified that a meeting of multiple department heads has occurred. And they each agree that this formal notice is warranted. This notice covers additional complaints filed by everyone in the league from September 5th to November 29th.

We in the HR department do appreciate that everyone has their own way of doing things, that are rarely in line with company procedures, ‘The Homosexuals’ included. But as such, many of you have been given a lot of leeway. 

Unfortunately, in this instance due to the severity in nature of some of the filings. Specifically against one, Christopher J. Brooks, in reference to the notorious F-69 complaint….We are obligated to act swiftly, as per our head office policy.

Please accept this as a first formal notice Christopher and address the following to ensure further action is NOT warranted:

1. At NO time are you, Christopher, permitted to anally probe anyone in our league office with your fingers, penis, or various office supplies.

2.   At NO time are you, Christopher, permitted to pretend to be a female, and or change your appearance to reflect ANYONE with double-X chromosomes.

3. At NO time are you permitted, Christopher, or allowed to insist on coworkers calling your Anus, your ‘’back-door-pussy-hole-that-really-needs-a-good-pounding’’. This is NOT appropriate workplace language and will NOT be tolerated any longer.

4. At NO time are you permitted, Christopher to glue anything to your genitalia, and dance nude obscenely throughout our league break-room.

5. And finally, at NO time are you to photograph your penis and send unsolicited, or even solicited ‘’dick picks’’ to ANY of your league mates.

The behaviors listed above, MUST STOP. 

If you fail to conform to these stipulations you shall be terminated.

(And not just from playoff contention this time, your bitch)

Sincerely & Deepest Regards,

Your Diligent HR Manager,

KCos, DO, 0.1, PhD, MD, & POS

Below are the specifics on the complaints filed with the HR department last week:

Complaints 1 & 2: Colten vs Ahsan

Colten has filed a toxic work environment complaint. He is tired of being shit on each week at work and it has become unbearable for him to work in these conditions. He has let us know that the hot-and-cold relationship with his counterpart Javonte Williams, has led him into a deep depression. He is now in counseling and is using something called ‘cold plunge therapy’ in preparation of ‘payment for his transgressions’—We in HR are NOT sure what that even means. Ahsan has also filed a complaint with us. Against someone we didn’t even know worked here? A Cedric Tillman?? We will need an updated email address to send the ‘’Wtf I could have had the most points this week you asshole…’’ complaint you sent Ahsan. Please advise us how to proceed. However, we DO NOT condone any form of work-place violence. Oh, but congrats on this assault of Colten from last week! Great work. Oh and Colten in the words of Steve Smith Sr. ‘’ICE UP SON’’…Haha.

Complaints 3 & 4: Humza vs Saquon (Oh I mean Rimmel)

We have received a multitude of ‘Fs in the chat’ from Humza during the day. All citing an alleged rape that occurred in our office parking lot. We vehemently disavow ALL form of unconsensual intercourse on our property. Even if outside. Haram. Humza did confirm, with evidence, that a man named Saquon, stalked him, and came upon him from behind. Then coincidingly proceeded to make a series of loud-high-pitched bird squaks, as he repeatedly dry-&-wet-humped Humza. Our investigation is ongoing in regard to this extremely sensitive matter. We will be reviewing all the security footage at our disposal. We did also have a filed complaint from Rimmel as well. This one was filed against me actually. He wrote ‘’Can HR manager, KCos (DO, 0.1, PhD, MD, & POS) PLEASE STOP asking for the $10 I won from being top fantasy scorer this week.’’—-And to that I say. Hell No! Congratulations Rimmel, oh and can I borrow $10? Thx.

Complaints 5 & 6: Ali vs Parth

Ali, last week, had singled out our new office intern, Trey Benson. The complaint specifies a level of incompetence boarding on dangerous. Ali has stated, ‘’That I wouldn’t even trust Trey to make a paper copy of my Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine certification and put it on my parent’s fridge.’’ These words raised many flags internally for our HR department, as we thought Doctor Ali was a full fledged MD. Much shame. Also we would like to set the record straight (Opposite of Christopher) on previous statements alleging anal pedophilia on Doctor Ali. These claims are just factually incorrect and I would like redact them from any of my previous paperwork. Parth has also complained that he wasn’t invited to the ‘’Office Winner Circle Party’’ that was held last week. I guess other participants were calling Parth by the derogatory nickname of ‘Mr. Already Eliminated’. These words are quite offensive, and our DEI department will be looking into his party exclusion further. We as a company, want ALL type of people represented and included, even perennial ‘’non-winners’’ should be invited to any future Winner Circle Parties. Let it be known that in the eyes of your HR Manager, you are winner to me. Congrats Parth.

Complaints 7 & 8: Alex vs Sean

Speaking of DEI, our colleague Sean was hyper-critical of employees Rhomandre Stevenson and Jake Ferguson. But for very different reasons. First, Rhomandre DID NOT take a knee during pregame warm-ups, to the point he would have been suspended, which would have avoided his putrid Week 11 performance. But ironically Sean was furious that Jake Ferguson did kneel so long that he became concussed by DEI assertions, thus deactivating himself from contention. What a paradoxical dilemma.  We in HR, haven’t figured out a perfect way to infringe on human free-will just yet. But please rest assured Sean, we are working diligently on this for you and many others. We did also receive a complaint from Alex, calling-out our promoted intern, Jordan Addison. Alex is concerned that during their performance review, Jordan has been inconsistent at best. As the hiring manager, and #1 fan, Alex is unsure whether to trust Jordan or NOT (definitely not driving a car)—-Or even should Alex keep him in his starting lineup. The dilemma has brought much pain this year. Especially when Jordan goes off on his bench. Jordan did reply with a ‘’No comment. Fuck that dude.’’ Congrats Alexander, The Great (Viking Defender).

Complaints 9 & 10: Nazim vs Yaseer

This is the most egregious series of complaints we as an HR department have EVER received. And this is even including the next paragraph, where I, myself, HR Manager was Brutally-Raped. But here with this one. There is a lot to cover. First off, we in HR disavow nepotism. However, we do indeed have a number of brothers working in this league office. Although, this is the only time in the last week 2 physically fought each other. And I will say this it was much better than any Jake Paul fight. Again, we don’t condone violence, but this one was damn good. I want to start with Yaseer’s ‘’grievance’’—-Yes, we know Yas, JK Dobbins knees are indeed glass anytime he sees the Ravens logo in-person. It is his personal Kryptonite. And NO Humza, Kryptonite is NOT the new Dogecoin. There is no money to be made here! Move along. NFTs are where the REAL-money is made anyways. Haha. But Yas, we have denied your ‘’Glass-Knees Point Adjustment complaint request. We will NOT be adding any additional points to your final total. As for Nazim, the influx of emails from you has overwhelmed our claims department. We understand your frustrations, but continual bombardment of our customer service representatives will not escalate any review of your grievances. We understand that the 4th down conversion for the Chargers offense didn’t help you in the slightest. We understand that if Brandon Aubrey had simply made one of his missed kicks you would have won. I did propose a policy change at our annual team meeting to fix this for you, but you hastily vetoed my attempts. Suck on it!!! You kicker lover!!! Also I get that if Jayden Daniels didn’t throw a Hail-Mary interception in a futile end of the Cowboys game, you would have won. Blame that on Juanyeh Thomas, NOT me! We understand that the Bears game going into Overtime ruined your defense last week scoring any points on yards allowed. Sucks to suck. Also, we fully understand the pain-in-the-ass that Brian Robinson Jr. has been  this year, and in years-past for you! But Nazim, you have the most talent and make the most money in our entire company (Well besides, Rimmel)——So as the HR handbook tells us: ‘’Calm your tits. Buttercup!’’ You will be fine :) Oh and Congrats Yas. Must be nice being The Older Brother.

Complaints 11 & 12: Christopher vs THE HR Manager, Me

Lastly, Chris, you are the definition of ‘being on extremely thin-ice’ when it comes to work place dynamics. If I could fire you myself, I would. Last week, you violated me in Jose’s janitorial broom closet. I was left naked and afraid. Not sure if anyone would believe me. You told me to quickly get the bleach out for you, because you had cum stains on the dress you often wear to the office. You sick fuck! I trusted you!!! And now based on what you’ve done to me, my need for bleach is exclusively for my fucking eyeballs. I have seen to much! Dick picks are no longer needed! I am intimately aware now! Please take me off of that group text. Consider me unsubscribed. There is no amount of alcohol in the world that would cure me of this level of Haram. Double-Haram to be exact, you sick freak. I want my innocence back that you stole from. Jose said he can’t get my womanly-screams out of his head. No amount of Merengue music can drown out my continuous cries for help. They are etched in his immigrant Pro-DEI brain, thanks to you. You monster! And to think that the next day, I had to wake up to an email from you complaining that CMC didn’t spit further into my gaped butthole? What kind of vile villain are you! Were you insisting your team raped me dead? I thank you my ‘HeroRB’ for sparing my life and allowing my sweet sweet Rimmel to get his full $10 this week, I know he needs it, more than most of us do. But hopefully he will let me borrow it. I could it out to good use to get some cotton balls and medical gauze to stop the bleeding from my own anus. Alas, before I go to the cops, I have but one question for you Christopher, HOW DARE YOU!??? HOW DARE YOU??!! No congrats from me. I hope CMC reverse cowboys you this week, until your hemoglobin rectally runs like the Nile River in the days of Moosaa in the Quran when the Egyptians turned their backs on Allah & drank of its water!!!!!!!! YOU SICK BASTARD!!!!!

Your diligent HR Representative,

May you all have or have had a Wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

And Happy Birthday to Rimmel!!!! xoxoxo 

(⋆ˆ ³ ˆ)

THE DETAILS:

Only 2 more weeks until playoffs and everyone is still in play except for Colten and Parth! Somehow, Chris still has a 1% chance of making the playoffs…

Week 12 Auction Report ($10+):

·      Nick Westbrook-Ikhine = Colten ($10)

·      Colts D/ST = Chris ($10)

Week 12 High/Low Points:

·      Least = Ali (72.2)

·      Most = Rimmel (138.5)

HIGH TOTALS YTD:

·      Sean = $10

·      Humza = $50

·      Rimmel = $20

·      Alex = $20

·      Ahsan = $10

·      Kcos = $10

LOW TOTALS YTD:

·      Colten = 4

·      Ahsan = 1

·      Chris = 3

·      Rimmel = 1

·      Parth = 2

·      Ali = 1

Close Games (<2-point difference):

·      Week 1 = None

·      Week 2 = Sean (W) v Rimmel (106.9-105.1)

·      Week 3 = None

·      Week 4 = None

·      Week 5 = Sean (W) v Alex (120.1-119.4)

·      Week 6 = None

·      Week 7 = Ahsan (W) v Sean (111.4-110.6)

·      Week 8 = None

·      Week 9 = Chris (W) v Humza (108.7-108.6)

·      Week 10 = None

·      Week 11 = None

·      Week 12 = Yas (W) v Naz (100.0-99.0)

Semi-Close Games (2-5-points difference):

·      Week 1 = Yas (W) v Parth (89.8-85.5)

·      Week 2 = None

·      Week 3 = None

·      Week 4 = Kcos (W) v Parth (79.9-75.5)

·      Week 5 = None

·      Week 6 = Kcos (W) v Alex (112.3-108.1)

·      Week 7 = Ali (W) v Chris (95.4-91.5)

·      Week 8 = None

·      Week 9 = Sean (W) v Parth (99.7-96.1)

·      Week 10 = None

·      Week 11 = Naz (W) v Parth (80.3-75.8)

·      Week 12 = Parth (W) v Ali (75.7-72.2)

Kicker Impact:

·      Week 1 = Naz (W) v Alex

·      Week 2 = Sean (W) v Rimmel

·      Week 3 = None

·      Week 4 = None

·      Week 5 = Sean (W) v Alex

·      Week 6 = Kcos (W) v Alex

·      Week 7 = None

·      Week 8 = None

·      Week 9 = Sean (W) v Parth

·      Week 10 = None

·      Week 11 = Chris (W) v Alex

·      Week 12 = Yas (W) v Naz & Parth (W) v Ali

WEEK 12 BETS

Naz’s Cover-4 (Game Lines for Bets):

1. [W] New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins (-7.5)

2. [W] Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-6) at New York Giants

3. [W] Denver Broncos (-6) at Las Vegas Raiders

4. [L] San Francisco 49ers (+2) at Green Bay Packers

Week 11: 3-1

YTD: 25-22

To be fair, I didn’t know Purdy was out when I made the 49ers pick, so that one shouldn’t count…

WEEK 13 BETS

Naz’s Cover-4 (Game Lines for Bets):

1. Cleveland Browns (+5.5) at Denver Broncos

2. Houston Texans (-4) at Jacksonville Jaguars

3. Las Vegas Raiders (+13) at Kansas City Chiefs

4. Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals (-3)