2024 Week 14 LoL FFL Post:

Well, well, well, well…..WELL

I guess I have a Bye week?

What?? Who?

Me??? Little Ole Me?!?!

That’s weird because I was given like a 0.1% chance post draft of even being in this position. You ALL laughed and mocked my team. Like they were some kind of joke! I am NOT a JOKE! I am a REAL boy! With REAL feelings. And you ALL hurt them back in April. But just like a severely bullied Jeffrey Preston Jorgensen who was born to a Danish unicyclist. And he was made fun of every single day for having a bald egg-shaped head. Even at the ripe young age of ONLY 10 years old. The bullies called him JefferyDumpty….the cruelty of this world knows no bounds!!!

Well, that young boy Jeffery Jorgensen, like my fantasy team—-He changed his name to something cooler, shaved his head, started lifting weights, and he got fucking jacked, and he became a CEO of a nerdy book company that is now worth BILLIONS. That’s right! Jeffery Jorgensen mutated into Jeff Bezos! And WHO IS LAUGHING now!! Jeff is! All the way from the moon. And he didn’t even have to start a Meme-coin to get there!!!!! 

That is the same trajectory of my fantasy team in 2024. Ridiculed and bullied. But here I am. A bald, ripped, muscle team that pisses excellence each week. (Umm well I guess Weeks 1 through 7….and then kinda just the last week really) But deal with it!!!

CeeDeezNutsMostertBate meme coins to the moon!!!

Also, FYI—-I am writing this from a Cabo beach NOT near you! Ahsan is somewhere watching film. Trying to actually prepare for a future matchup. But NOT me! I am currently going FULL-Romo. I’m having another Paloma with the lil umbrella in it. Oh you want some?? Fuck you, I earned this Haram!! Go get your own Haram. This one is mine!!!! Hahaha. So yes, I am happy. The only thing that would have made this moment sweeter than my 8th Paloma, would have been my mortal enemy, Chris Brooks, playing for last place and for frozen-balls. But alas, since that can’t happen, I will settle for a fun week, watching from afar!! Hahahaha. So good.

I now have to write my own manifesto. Move aside Luigi, you Italian-mob-boss-murderer. It’s my turn to murder a two-page manifesto. What in the S.T.E.M. Valedictorian fuck is a two-page manifesto? I have written more thoughts about Chris Brooks’ gayness than this mothafucka had to say about ‘’The Horrors Of Privatized Insurance’’….Are you kidding me?

In the words of another Caucasian rebel I admire Luigi take this advice:

Matter of fact

Dawg

Here’s a pencil

Go home

Write some shit

Make it suspenseful

And don’t come back 

Until something dope hits you

Fuck it

You can take the mic home with ya

Man Em is the G.O.A.T.

But tonight, my Man-I-Festo 

Is gonna blow presto 

Gonna be somethin a lil different

A love letter to those who got me here

Shoutout to the Forrest Gump’s of fantasy teams! Love you all!!!

The Paloma King in the cabana!

Hahahaha. Good times.

Let’s get into it:

Yaseer vs Colten

I want to start off with a major thank you to Rico Dowdle…I appreciate you not being a bust this year like an Isaiah Pacheco. He played in like 4 total games, and you carried me through. Ahsan told me that ZEKE was the starter in Dallas. But you are hotter than Deandre Swift’s bitch ass. And you run hard Rico. I appreciate it. Your ability to catch ginger-dump-off passes was super cool all year. Thumbs up to you man! Oh yeah and Yas murdered Colten this week. Colten going to the cold plunge walk of shame here next week. Major yikes town. Dak Prescott levels of water coming to your way Colt. My company actually makes a cold plunge. I’ll get you wholesale pricing. Enjoy the freeze. Congrats to Yas for making the playoffs.

Nazim vs Sean

I now would like to thank Chuba Hubbard! I really appreciate you not being the other chubby one. Nick Chubb kinda sucks. He’s only gone over 15 points once this week. You’ve done it 6 times Chuba! And both your knees work. Unlike Jonathan Brooks. Most people with the last name Brooks are weak. Thank you Chuba for not being weak. Speaking of weak knees, Sean has won this match up decisively. Jalen Hurts had only 24 points this week tho….thats pitiful. I have more people to thank. Doubly so hahahah. So many points. And Sean didn’t even get the $10 this week. I did. Hahaha. And he did all of that and still missed the playoffs?? What a waste. I hope that awkward game versus Mr. Gaywad goes well for you Sean. Sucks to suck. Much easier down on your knees though. Hahaha. Owned. Thanks Chuba. I love you! However, your team sucks worse than Sean!!!

Ali vs Alex

Wow. I just want to say Josh Allen I know you’re engaged and you went down on your knees to propose. But I have learned from Chris how to show my appreciation and just know I would get on my knees for you BigBoi!!! I love you so much! They told me that you were a reach on draft night. But you scored 29 more points than Will Levis and Russell Wilson combined. My point? You’re a beautiful beast Josh. Keep it up. I’ll buy the Palomas if you score 6 TDs each week. Carry me my KING! Kisses! Oh Alex raped Ali here. Alex literally White Chicks danced on Ali’s grave. But Ali made the playoffs, so he lost the battle but he won the war. His gloved hand lives on. And now it’s inspecting Yaseer’s bodily cavities this week. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife. Allegedly. Ali-gedly. Rumor has it. Or does it. Thank you Josh Allen. You beautiful soul. You are my spirit animal! Keep me going KING. Gay4You! Congrats to my white chica Alex but The REAL congrats goes to Ali :)

Rimmel vs Ahsan

Thank you to CeeDee. Thanks for playing hurt unlike that bitch ass pacifier wearing DK Metcalf. Rimmel woulda won if DK didn’t suck. But I guess it didn’t matter since Yaseer won. But CeeDee has like 0 reason to care or play and he does. But I appreciate that you still played through your shoulder and arm going completely numb CeeDee! You are a true G. I needed every single point this week to get this bye week. Palomas baby!!!! Come join me in Cabo. It’s the Cowboy way! Jerry won’t even be made. He pays people who don’t care. Be like me. Speaking of NOT caring, AJ Brown does NOT care for Jalen Hurts. Like at ALL. I hope you aren’t relying on him much Ahsan next week. Because like damn, AJ called out Jalen in the media. Like publicly! Crazy. TO and McNabb all over again….Oh but thank you CeeDee for just privately hating your Quarterback! That is super cool of you!! You have NEVER called Dak or Cooper Rush TRASH in the media! You just think it….But just in your head. Super mature of you!! AJ Brown is a diva. I think CeeDee wouldn’t complain about targets if he was winning. Thank you CeeDee. The People’s Champ. Just keep producing with 0 talent around you. Love you LambyLambBoi. Kisses. Oh congrats Ahsan. Watch that film brother, I’ll drink these drinks. Haram. Bye week white-privilege Haram :)

Chris vs Parth

HeroRB?!?!? Well I gotta give love to my HeroRB from this season. Mr. Flex himself, Kareem Hunt. The best kicker I ever met!! Haha. Woman PUNTgod himself. Thanks Kareem. You scored 116 points for me this year and Christian McCaffery scored 40 for GayBoi. You are the HeroRB I didn’t expect, but the one I didn’t deserve. Thanks for showing up for me. Chris is gay. But you are NOT. You my dawg! Thanks dawg. Shit you outscored Brecee Hall 5 times this year! I love you Kareem. Parth really had a tough year. I feel for him. Chris is still gayer but somehow he avoided Last Place. I will give him his flowers. His gay man flowers. Bouquet of Ass coming your way! Slay Queen! Congrats Chris!!!

Me vs Humza

This is the kicker appreciation section of the post. Mr. Jake Bates, NOBODY knew who you were when I said your name on draft night. You legitimately didn’t have a picture on the ESPN app Week 1. You ended up being on the best offense in the NFL. It was much appreciated. You are my favorite kicker, well minus the other Romo. Yes, there is another Romo. The non-Cabo Romo. A John-Parker Romo was released from the Vikings 2-days before the Week 14 matchups kicked off. And Humza didn’t even notice. So I guess I owe this all to Humza. Thus, I will buy your fucking NFTs and MemeCoins you beautiful bastard! You are my HeroShazad. You are the Syrian military to my Tahrir al-Sham. And that Tahrir al-Sham is Jake Bates. A kicker above all kickers. Such a fucking generic name, Jake Bates. The opposite of my own name. Even though we both look like we could be named just Cody. Fucking Cody. What a white dude name. Like Sean. I’ve only met white guys named Sean. Oh, wait. Fuck. That’s right. Where was I. Oh yes, I hate you Ja’Marr Chase. Please burn in the lake of Jahannam. You SOB. Sorry I’ll leave your mother out of this. But you have done enough damage to my soul Ja’Marr. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW. STOP. Thank you. A Christmas basket is on its way if you can help me with this. Okay fine, it’s a Holiday basket now. I’ll call it whatever you want. Just stop it. Oh and congrats Humza on making the playoffs. Maybe make sure to fill out your lineup next time. Figured a software, entrepreneurial, TED talk guy would know better. If only you had participated in fellow Islamist Andrew Tate’s Hustler University, you would have been ready in Week 14. ‘’A Loser mentality, produces Loser results.’’ Very special thank you here to Andrew Tate for that quote. I love you. 

My manifesto of self indulgence is now cumplete. My team is fully stroked-off with compliments. I am now ready for my playoff exit. They are playing me off, stage right. 

As I exit though, I want to extend my last ‘’thank you’’ to you! My friend who actually got to this point in reading this post. I love you. More than a friend. You are my brother. 

(Except you Chris, it’s still Fuck you until Jannah, you bitch!) But to the rest of you:

Thanks for taking to an Autistic man’s ramblings all year. From pedos to politics, we had fun. Now let’s go name a CHAMPION. May it not be someone whose name starts with the letter N. 

Inshallah (إن شاء الله)

Until next time,

Kcos, 0.1, DO, PhD in HardKnocks, Paloma Enthusiast, Forrest Gump IQ

As-salamu alaykum

THE DETAILS:

#1 Seed = Ahsan

Most Points Scored = Humza (1708.1)

Bye Weeks/Division Winners = Kcos & Ahsan

Relegated from Champions Division = Alex & Colten

Promoted from Relegation Division = Ahsan & Humza

Last Place Game & Ineligible for League Cup next year = Colten & Parth

2024 League Cup Winner = Kcos

Most Points Against = Nazim (1511.9) – figures…

Least Points Scored = Colten (1109.4)

Least Points Against = Parth (1376.9)

Net Positive Teams = Ahsan, Kcos, Humza, Yas, Naz, Alex, Chris

Net Negative Teams = Ali, Sean, Rimmel, Parth, Colten

Week 14 Auction Report ($10+):

·      Humza = Patrick Taylor ($85) & Ravens D/ST ($15)

Week 14 High/Low Points:

·      Least = Colten (70.4)

·      Most = Kcos (150.5)

Final High Totals:

·      Sean = $10

·      Humza = $50

·      Rimmel = $20

·      Alex = $20

·      Ahsan = $20

·      Kcos = $20

Final Low Totals:

·      Colten = 5

·      Ahsan = 1

·      Chris = 3

·      Rimmel = 1

·      Parth = 3

·      Ali = 1

Close Games (<2-point difference):

·      Week 1 = None

·      Week 2 = Sean (W) v Rimmel (106.9-105.1)

·      Week 3 = None

·      Week 4 = None

·      Week 5 = Sean (W) v Alex (120.1-119.4)

·      Week 6 = None

·      Week 7 = Ahsan (W) v Sean (111.4-110.6)

·      Week 8 = None

·      Week 9 = Chris (W) v Humza (108.7-108.6)

·      Week 10 = None

·      Week 11 = None

·      Week 12 = Yas (W) v Naz (100.0-99.0)

·      Week 13 = None

·      Week 14 = None

Semi-Close Games (2-5-points difference):

·      Week 1 = Yas (W) v Parth (89.8-85.5)

·      Week 2 = None

·      Week 3 = None

·      Week 4 = Kcos (W) v Parth (79.9-75.5)

·      Week 5 = None

·      Week 6 = Kcos (W) v Alex (112.3-108.1)

·      Week 7 = Ali (W) v Chris (95.4-91.5)

·      Week 8 = None

·      Week 9 = Sean (W) v Parth (99.7-96.1)

·      Week 10 = None

·      Week 11 = Naz (W) v Parth (80.3-75.8)

·      Week 12 = Parth (W) v Ali (75.7-72.2)

·      Week 13 = Naz (W) v Alex (123.6-119.7)

·      Week 14 = Kcos (W) v Humza (150.5-146.1)

Final Counts for Close Games:

·      Sean = 3-1

·      Rimmel = 0-1

·      Alex = 0-3

·      Ahsan = 1-0

·      Chris = 1-1

·      Humza = 0-2

·      Yas = 2-0

·      Naz = 2-1

·      Kcos = 3-0

·      Parth = 1-4

·      Ali = 1-1

·      Colten = NO GAMES WERE CLOSE…

Kicker Impact:

·      Week 1 = Naz (W) v Alex

·      Week 2 = Sean (W) v Rimmel

·      Week 3 = None

·      Week 4 = None

·      Week 5 = Sean (W) v Alex

·      Week 6 = Kcos (W) v Alex

·      Week 7 = None

·      Week 8 = None

·      Week 9 = Sean (W) v Parth

·      Week 10 = None

·      Week 11 = Chris (W) v Alex

·      Week 12 = Yas (W) v Naz & Parth (W) v Ali

·      Week 13 = None

·      Week 14 = Kcos (W) v Humza

Final Counts:

·      Naz = 1-1

·      Alex = 0-4

·      Sean = 3-0

·      Rimmel = 0-1

·      Parth = 1-1

·      Yas = 1-0

·      Ali = 0-1

·      Kcos = 2-0

·      Chris = 1-0

·      Humza = 0-1

We will revisit all these findings post-season in a special edition of What If…

WEEK 14 BETS

Naz’s Cover-4 (Game Lines for Bets):

1. [L] Cleveland Browns (+6.5) at Pittsburgh Steelers

2. [L] Jacksonville Jaguars at Tennessee Titans (-3.5)

3. [W] Los Angeles Chargers (+4) at Kansas City Chiefs

4. [W] Chicago Bears at San Francisco 49ers (-4)

EXTRA THIS WEEK:

5. [W] Las Vegas Raiders at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-6.5)

6. [W] Carolina Panthers (+13) at Philadelphia Eagles

Week 14: 4-2

Final Counts: 30-27

The Bets are Officially Over! Better Luck Next Year!