2025 Week 2 LoL FFL Post:

Nazim Parupia
Sep 17
13 min read

Updated: Sep 25

Shalom, you miserable pack of fantasy failures. I’m back again fuckers!!

Yes, it is I again. Benjamin Netanyahu — American patriot, fantasy football overseer, war crimes enthusiast, and part-time prophet of football gridiron doom.

Week 2 of the NFL is in the books, and let me tell you — I haven’t seen a more chaotic clusterfuck since I tried explaining democracy to my cabinet. Injuries flying like drones over international disputed airspace, quarterbacks collapsing faster than my ethics panel, and half of you are scrambling for waiver wire scraps like it’s smuggled aid under a blockade.

Week 2 was a bloodbath — the kind of disaster that makes my coalition talks look like a birthday party at a West Bank settler’s home. Honestly, I haven’t seen this many bodies drop since my last press conference went off-script. (We didn’t kill Charlie)

Joe Burrow’s toe exploded like it was one of my peace deals — fragile, underfunded, and gone in a flash. Now Jake Browning — yes, Jake Browning, a man with less upside than my polling numbers — is hobbling onto your fantasy roster like a UN envoy who took a wrong turn at the Rafah crossing.

Meanwhile, Brock Purdy is being held together with tape and Zionist prayers. The 49ers QB situation is shakier than my relationship with the ICC. I’ve had better protection hiding behind international law than Purdy gets behind his O-line.

The Panthers’ offensive line? Absolutely obliterated. They're offering about as much resistance as a ceasefire proposal. Their backfield is being sacrificed weekly, like my promises of judicial reform.

The Commanders? They’re losing players faster than I lose allies after each new settlement announcement. Austin Ekeler’s Achilles is gone, and now their depth chart looks like the Gaza Strip after an airstrike — empty, scorched, and full of regret.

Jayden Reed’s collarbone? Broken — Like my morals, a clean break, the kind I wish I could get from corruption investigations.

Say goodbye to those fantasy points. Start praying to your gods — or lobbyists. Kidding, both are in bed with me! Oh and Satan.

Meanwhile, Bills and Eagles are quietly dominating, like Mossad in a foreign election. Philly’s offense is more predictable than my ability to dodge indictments, but they get the job done.

So, if you drafted injured players this week or QBs with more fragility than my diplomatic relations, welcome to the fantasy jungle. Bitches!

May your waiver bids be cutthroat, your trade relations be as deceptive as me, and your luck be as artificially inflated as my military budget.

Now sit back, grab a falafel, and let’s get into the Week 2 recap. I’m about to dissect these games with the precision of an IDF drone strike and the tact of an Israeli press secretary with a 3 year ‘’retaliatory genocide’’ in Gaza to justify.

Ahsan (The Butcher of Kcos) vs. Kyriacos (Minister of Bad Decisions)

Let me be clear: what Ahsan did to Kyriacos wasn’t a fantasy football win — it was a targeted operation. Precision. Ruthless efficiency. Absolutely no regard for human rights or IDF etiquette. We're talking about a blowout so obscene, the UN held an emergency session..and still couldn't agree on a resolution.

Now, let’s talk about James Cook — a man whose name sounds like he should be making dinner, instead of colonizing the field of Kyriacos’ soul like my genocidal apartheid state. 132 yards? 2 touchdowns? No remorse. This man wasn’t running — he was conducting a ground invasion with air support. He dropped 26 fantasy points like they were leaflets warning, “Evacuate now — or get fucked.” And get fucked is exactly what Kyriacos did.

Cook was meant to be a mild-mannered RB2. A support role. A water boy with aspirations. Instead? He was a Weapon of Mass Destruction. A Geneva Convention? Nah, just murderer! (How dare you Ahsan)

Then there’s Davante Adams — silent for three quarters, quieter than a corruption charge in the Israeli cabinet — and then BOOM. Out of the ruins of Kyriacos’ false hope, Adams emerges like a F-35 out of the clouds and drops 19.6 points straight onto his opponent’s dignity. Garbage time? Please. This was urban warfare disguised as a fantasy stat line.

A fourth-quarter ethnic cleansing of expectations. But let’s talk about the real war crime here:Brandon fucking Aubrey.

A kicker. A kicker, Kyriacos. The very position you lobbied to eliminate like a two-state solution.

And yet here we are — 22 points. From a guy whose only job is to show up, kick, and leave like a Mossad agent after a "suicide" in a Berlin hotel room.

Let me repeat that: TWENTY. TWO. POINTS. FROM A KICKER.

That’s not just a slap in the face — that’s a drone strike on your playoff chances.You wanted a world without kickers? Well, they just declared independence and built settlements in your red zone.

And even with all that, Ahsan’s team still wasn’t perfect.

Denver’s defense decided to do... what exactly? Negotiate peace? Shake hands with Daniel Jones and call it even? -4 points against Daniel fucking Jones??? Who throws a football like he's playing darts blindfolded???

Denver’s performance was so bad I thought they were trying to qualify for humanitarian aid. But it didn’t matter. We don’t do humanitarian aid, silly!!!

Because Kyriacos came into this matchup like a liberal arts student walking up to The Wailing Wall…looking for help. Well wail you bitch! I hate you Kyriacos! Stop attacking me.

I, on the other hand, believe in hope, peace, and World War 3…you see I’m a peaceful man.

But Kyriacos,Spoiler: he got bulldozed like a Palestinian olive grove.

Ahsan didn’t just win — he occupied his entire mental real estate, set up a checkpoint on his ESPN app, and declared the matchup “an eternal and indivisible part of Week 2.”

Final score you ask?So brutal it’s being censored in Israeli textbooks.

This wasn’t a fantasy game.

This was fantasy Nakba.And Ahsan?

He’s already building a championship shrine for the trophy on Kyriacos’ grave.

Rimmel (The Air Raid Commander) vs. Sean (Minister of Tears)

First of all, this was no massacre.

It was a defensive operation. Very clean. Very surgical.

Absolutely nothing to see here except the total annihilation of Sean’s lineup.

Let’s start with Maleek Nabers, the sophomore who clearly mistook this matchup for a live-fire military drill.

9 catches, 167 yards, 2 touchdowns, and roughly 33 fantasy warheads dropped on Sean's territory.

This wasn’t a receiver — this was precision-guided trauma.

The guy didn’t run routes, he launched strikes. Maleek played like he had clearance codes and aerial recon, and Sean’s defense responded like an old UN resolution: ignored and ineffective.

And then came the Sun God himself, Amon-Ra St. Brown, who descended from the heavens — burned everything — and left with 34 points and a new religion formed in Sean’s locker room.

The man didn’t score touchdowns — he colonized the red zone, set up checkpoints, and told Sean's defense to "kindly evacuate within 24 hours."

Sean’s team are still looking for their pride and dignity. Neither have been found. Like the ‘’hostages’’ I must still free. One day Hamas!!!! One day!!! Here’s another drone strike you bitch!!

So clearly, Rimmel’s team must’ve been stacked, right? Wrong. WRs were elite. Everything else? Humanitarian disaster.

The backfield? A total fantasy Gaza Strip.

Isaiah Pacheco ran like he was smuggling contraband across a checkpoint with a twisted ankle. James Conner played like he was leading Moses and the Israelites through a stat-less wilderness.

Combined? Less production than a Knesset budget meeting. A pile of warm hummus and one broken sandal.

And then...The Dallas Defense. -4 points also.

They let Russell Wilson — the QB equivalent of an expired passport —‘’JamesCookTheyAsses’’.

That’s not just bad. That’s “we’re gonna need a press secretary to change the narrative’’ BAD.

But even with all that strategic incompetence, Rimmel still crushed Sean.

Why? Because when the wide receivers go full IDF, it really doesn't matter if the rest of the roster is an occupied hellscape.

Meanwhile, across the fantasy border, Sean’s team is straight-up collapsing like coalition talks. Ja’Marr Chase is out there running routes with no quarterback, like a highly-valued hostage negotiating with wind. Joe Burrow’s calf? Gone. Surrendered. Applied for medical asylum in Qatar. And the backup plan? Brock “Mr. Irrelevant” Purdy, who’s now out four weeks. Sean’s QB room is currently being held together with duct tape, tears, and Yom Kippur prayers.

Sean’s roster is less team, more refugee camp at this point.

Let’s be honest — this wasn’t fantasy football.This was a pre-emptive strike followed by a press conference pretending it was self-defense.

Rimmel flew in, flattened Sean’s chances, dropped two WR payloads, and left without even waiting for the injury report.

Final score?Rimmel: 134.7Sean: 126.9THE Geneva Convention: folded into a paper plane and thrown into the toilet. I LIKE how you move Rimmel! Oh sweet sweet Rimmel!!! I shall liberate you!!!!!!! 4everrrrr!!!!

Alex (Mr. Prophet of KirkoChainz) vs. Humza (Mr. Casualty of War)

Another week, another civilian fantasy casualty. This time, the drone strike came from Alex, who reduced Humza to a smoldering pile of poor lineup decisions and shattered quarterback dreams.

Let’s start with the biggest disaster since Oslo — Joe Burrow, Humza’s golden calf.

The man was supposed to lead Humza to the promised land. Instead, he limped through Week 2 like a wounded journalist, putting up a pathetic 7 points before his calf finally surrendered like one of our puppet governments.

Burrow wasn’t just bad — he was actively sabotaging. He played like he was trying to switch sides mid-matchup.

And without Burrow? Humza’s team flatlined.

And Humza’s fantasy hopes were declared missing, presumed dead by halftime. I would send him to a Gaza hospital, but we already bombed all of those (….Kyriacos needs a minute to throw up) (PAUSE)…(Not that kind of pause Chris, you faggot)

Meanwhile, over in the land of milk, honey, and questionable Vikings fandom, Alex unleashed Puka Nacua, the Chosen One.

Puka didn’t just catch passes. He converted touchdowns like a Zionist at a trade summit — including a rushing TD, because apparently Alex is running a hybrid air/ground assault operation. 23.6 points later, Puka had done enough damage to trigger sanctions.

And here’s the insult that turned the wound into a crater: even Alex’s kicker, Chase McLaughlin, tried to go soft on Humza. Just 1 point. The fantasy equivalent of a humanitarian aid drop. A gesture. A whisper of mercy.

Did it matter?

Absolutely not. No aid will be tolerated!!!!!

Alex still steamrolled Humza like a bulldozer in East Jerusalem. Burrow’s 7-point limp, combined with Puka’s sudden emergence as the second coming of Isaac and Ishmael combined, made this a one-sided occupation.

Humza’s squad? Collapsed under its own expectations. A paper tiger. A Potemkin playoff pretender.

Alex didn’t just win — he outmaneuvered, outgunned, and outlasted. Even with a kicker scoring a single lonely point like an apology text to his girlfriend at 3AM. Futile!! (Chris a girlfriend is similar to a gay man, they just have 2 buttholes and one sits in the front, where the penis should be…You’ll learn)

Final score:Alex 98.0 — Humza 90.4Burrow’s toe status…3 month UN Resolution pending.

Nazim (The Victory Ayatollah) vs. Ali (The Disgraced AntiWINmite)

You ever watch a fantasy manager ignore clear prophetic warning and walk directly into oncoming traffic?

That’s what happened this week when Ali, in a state of delusion, started Calvin Ridley — after being publicly warned by Jerry Jones himself not to trust the man.

Well guess what?

Jerry was right.Calvin Ridley was wrong. Dead wrong! (Like anyone who opposes me) (I am a monster)

(Another pause for Kyriacos to puke) (Baaahhrhrughhh)

And Ali is now exiled from playoff contention until further notice. Banished with Kyriacos and Humza to 0-2

7.2 points????

That’s all Ridley gave him.

And he earned those the way a corrupt politician earns votes: half-heartedly, and with deep regret. Calvin looked like he was running routes in a minefield — scared, lost, and trying to negotiate a peace deal with gravity.

But wait, there’s more.

Ali’s hopes weren’t just tied to Ridley’s

busted hamstrings and broken promises. He rolled out Justin Fields — and got back a performance that looked like one of my propaganda video edits of my enemies. Just nasty!!!

3.9 points.Not a typo. That’s not his rushing yard average. That’s his entire fantasy output.

He got injured, humiliated, and then disappeared like a IDF member under investigation. (I’m kidding we don’t investigate the IDF, are you joking!)

(Another Kyriacos puke pause)

Fields didn't just fail — he vacated the position of quarterback entirely. At this point, Ali’s QB room is just a graveyard of shattered potential and empty stat lines.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the brutally one-sided ceasefire, Nazim rolled out Jonathan Taylor, who decided to liberate defenses and annex the end zone. 28.5 points, including a receiving touchdown — because apparently now JT is dominating all sectors of the military? Such a beast!

The man ran through the defense like it was an unguarded border crossing. Don’t jump the fence!!! Unless it’s October 7th!!!

While Ali's players were busy filing injury reports and ignoring prophecy, Nazim’s roster was waging economic sanctions through raw fantasy production.

Ali showed up to a drone strike with a Calvin Ridley foam sword and a quarterback who was already halfway to the hospital.

So what did we learn this week?

Don’t trust Calvin Ridley. (Jerry told you.)

Don’t start quarterbacks held together by kinesiology tape and bad vibes.

And for the love of God, don’t underestimate Nazim, who now walks the earth like me on the phone with Trump ‘’trying to make a fair trade deal’’

Me: ‘’Give me endless money and weapons’’

Trump: ‘’What do I get’’

Me: ‘’A cook friend?’’

Trump: ‘’Deal’’

Final Score:Nazim 88.4 — Ali 79.0Ridley’s soul: missingFields’ stats: deceased and a new hostagePlayoff hopes: under investigation by the ICC

Colten (The Minister of Mayhem) vs. Yaseer (The Ambassador of Ls)

From kickoff to last whistle, Colten turned Yaseer’s fantasy team into a humanitarian crisis. It wasn’t a win. It was a military exercise disguised as a game.

Let’s start with the highlight of Colten’s air assault: Rome Odunze, a man who apparently moonlights as a weapons-grade fantasy warhead.

28.3 points.2 touchdowns.Zero mercy.

Rome didn’t just show up. He dropped in like a paratrooper behind enemy lines, took Yaseer’s secondary prisoner, and planted a flag on his WR1 slot.

This wasn’t a breakout — it was a forced regime change. I love that!!

Meanwhile, Yaseer?

Oh God, Yaseer.

Let’s begin with the fantasy equivalent of an expired UN peacekeeping contract: Travis Hunter???

3.7 points??? That’s shit.

That’s not a damn stat line, that’s a fucking war crime. (I also love those)

Hunter was supposed to be a dual-threat demigod. Instead, he played like he was both sides of a ceasefire, offering nothing to either.

If fantasy points were land, Yaseer’s roster would be a buffer zone full of tumbleweeds and broken dreams.

And don’t worry, it gets worse…Like my lies…

Stefon Diggs, once feared, now just a soft breeze blowing through the empty ruins of Yaseer’s hopes.5.2 points — barely enough to qualify as a participant. Diggs played like he had already signed a secret deal with Colten’s roster. At this point, he’s not running routes; he’s running PR for opposing defenses.

But the final nail in the coffin?

Jordan Mason.

Going up against the AMAZING Falcons defense, which has suddenly transformed into the Iron Dome of fantasy run-stoppers, Mason put up a brutal 4.8 points.

That's not even enough to feed a waiver wire prospect. Let alone Yaseer’s RB2 slot…What a fail!

Go Falcons! I love you Matt Ryan!

Final Score:Colten 103.7— Yaseer 88.1

Rome bombed Yas, Diggs disappeared on Yas, Hunter defected from Yas, and Mason awol’d ya ass.

If this keeps up, Yaseer’s team is going to start issuing formal apologies before kickoff. But I have never and will never apologize. (I am a monster)

Parth (The Anointed One) vs. Chris (The False Prophet of Gayness)

This wasn’t a gun fight.This was two teams firing blanks at each other until one of them simply passed out from sheer embarrassment.

And somehow, Parth walked away the victor —A man who fielded a shitty old Derrick Henry and still managed to win, despite Henry showing up like he was playing on sabbatical in Qatar.

2.3 points?Fucking embarrassing. IDF strong is how we like our Derrick Henry! Stiff arming Hamas!! (PUKE)

And yet — Parth still won?

Because he was playing Chris, whose team is now under official investigation for gay crimes against humanity. Fag!

Omarion Hampton??— the running back that Chris was sure would be a workhorse, has officially worked Chris’ butthole into FULL gapehood! Like I did with the entirety of the Middle East! (PUKE)

Chris rolled him out expecting fireworks, and instead got 3 points of pure famine.

But wait — Chris didn’t stop there.

No, he also doubled down on the path to hell’s fury or gay damnation by starting Brian Thomas Jr., who once again performed like a deep cover sleeper agent sent to sabotage Chris from the inside.

Brian Thomas….4.5 points?

Chris, brother in fantasy failure…You’ve strayed from the path.You’ve forsaken the projections.You’ve chased false idols like Omarion Hampton and Brian Thomas, and in your arrogance, you’ve been struck down.

It is time, dear Chris, to repent:

Repent for your roster choices.

Repent for being gay as fuck!

Repent for drafting like you were holding an Israeli cell phone with an active detonator (PUKE)

And above all, repent for being dumb as fuck!

The waiver wire is open. GAYBOI!!!!!

DildoFaggins!!!

God’s speed.

Final Score:

Parth 100.3 — Chris 84.4Henry 2.3 > Hampton 3.0 > Chris’s playoff chances

Well, my brethren and supporters, that’s it for Week 2…

And if your fantasy team looked like a fucking broken coalition, don’t worry, you’re in good company.

Just like Israeli politics, your lineup probably can’t get anything done without a dozen backstabbing deals and a lot of finger-pointing. But hey, that’s democracy, right? Or whatever the fuck this circus I created is.

Now, as we barrel into Week 3, it’s time to stop whining like a bunch of ungrateful opposition and actually make some fucking moves. May your lineups be smarter than the politicians who keep promising peace but can’t even agree on calling this a genocide.

Here’s to hoping your fantasy points soar higher than any peace talks in this goddamn region.

Good luck, and remember—if you fuck this up, just blame the referees….Just like we blame everyone else for the shit we started!

P.S.—I also boycott Starbucks Sean, but just because the coffee tastes like shit. Much love!

POST-WEEK 2 FORESHADOWING:

So, in the past years, we’ve looked at the teams that have started 0-2, 1-1, and 2-0, and what that has meant for end of season results. Since 2015, every champion has started the season 1-1. Last year, we had 6 options and I happened to be one of them, so the trend goes on. This year, we have 6 options: Sean, Ahsan, Yaseer, Alex, Parth, and Chris. We shall see at the end of the year if this becomes true once again!

THE DETAILS:

Week 2 Auction Report ($10+):

Yas = Troy Franklin ($30) over Ali ($7), Naz ($2), Ahsan ($0)
Yas = Wan’Dale Robinson ($21) over Chris ($20), Naz ($2)
Yas = Elic Ayomanor ($20) over Ali ($4)
Chris = Daniel Jones ($15)

Week 1 Auction Report ($10+):

Yas = Dalton Kincaid ($12)
Naz = Kayshon Boutte ($12)
Ahsan = Quentin Johnston ($20) over Yas ($19), Kcos ($12), Sean ($5), Humza ($2) - ironically almost the same last year (2024: Ahsan = Quentin Johnston ($15) over Colten ($4))