2024 Week 6 LoL FFL Post:

Nazim Parupia
Oct 17, 2024
11 min read

Hello everyone,

I’m writing this to you all from WAY BEYOND THE GRAVE. I know that many of you aware of this, but I need you to know, unequivocally, that I DID NOT KILL MYSELF!! THEY ONLY made it ‘’appear’’ as such. Oh and yes, this is indeed, the legend, the Mossad double-agent himself, Jeffery E. Epstein!!!!!! In all of my celestial ghost semi-flesh self!

Honestly, it all feels like a bad dream…….Really it still feels like yesterday….The last thing I saw……..Was your league mate……(terrifying sigh)……Chris Brooks, the hired Clinton hitman… He first turned-off all prison surveillance cameras, then violated my butthole with his macropenis, and then he applied just enough pressure to break my hyoid bone in my neck! What a monster! I will seek justice Chris! You won’t get away with this! You can’t go on ruining people’s lives with your pecker-desires Chris! (Oh wait, Yes I do see the irony here) You HOMO!! So glad the Mrs. Karma is having her way with you! Mrs. Karma is raping your ASSHOLE, worse than she did with Prince Andrew, Ghislaine, Alan Dershowitz, Al Gore, Ehud Barak, Bill Gates, and Kevin Spacy COMBINED!! 0-6 HUH? Oh and SIX?? What? How did you like them nonconsensual apples?

Good Will Humping indeed!

HOLD UP, Stop the presses, STOP THE POST! What is this?!?!?!?!?!?! Hold the phone!!!!

(Steve Austin WWE Intro Song Playing)

——————————————————————-

(Cue Intro Smoke)

Howdy motherfuckers! It’s your favorite (???), country-ass, redneck-having, oil & gas money-making, hoe-down smashing, Arkansas Razorback sympathizing, OWNER!!! Of the BEST NFL franchise in the Nation!!!! That’s right……..it’s JERRY-DAUGHTER-FUCKIN-JONES!!

And I’m tired of these pedophile ass posts each week! What in the actual fuck Kyriacos?!? NO ONE wants to read the content of literal rapists!!! You freaking weirdo FREAK!! Just stop it. If I wanted to hear about rape, I woulda just tuned into Dan Campbell’s press conference last Sunday. Yes, okay, I get it. I was ‘’All in’’ this offseason…..like Jeffery Epstein in a pre-pubescent girl after a Swedish-full body rub down….or like the index finger of Texans’ pre-approved masseuse talent back in 2021….or even Diddy with a new up and cumming male Pop artist trying to break into the music industry….I get it, I was ‘’ALL-IN’’

But was I really? Some might even ask, ‘’Am I the problem with the Cowboys’’ and to that I say….’’HELL NO’’….and I’m tired of your shit Humza!!! You stop it too! Right meow! I know I’m old, but I bet I could still whoop your ass up and down 1 AT&T Drive…..or is it 1 AT&T Way?? Who the F really knows? Fuck it, just meet me there. You bitch. It’s a Bye Week for us, I think. So I got the time. But really, sometimes our buttholes need a bit of rest for recovery. Chris knows what I’m talking about! Haha.

Okay, even though many of you might enjoy the ramblings of an old-white-man, it could be nice for me just jump into things. You know to summarize the games from last week and move on. This moment right here might be the ONLY thing I’ll ever really ‘’move on’’ from any ways. No matter how many of you are simply rooting for me to just die already…..I will never fucking die… :)

(Apologies to Jerry’s family if he does indeed actually die before Nazim posts this)

Let’s jump into Week 6 Recap:

Colten vs Rimmel

Wow. Starting off with a real barn-burner. More like boring-burner. This ONE was worse than Tony Romo in any playoff game. Such bad memories. I love you Tony. This one was worse than the time Demarco Murray asked me to be paid like a Top 5 RB…..this was worse than that one time in 1993 when I told Jimmy Johnson, ‘’You’re FIRED’’….Wish that piece of shit woulda gave me more credit. This was worse than every coach I hired after that. This was worse than my own obsession with ginger-backup QBs. By golly, I think Chris might be the only ginger that I could meet, and likely instantly hate. But seriously, Rimmel having two players on his team combine for Negative 0.1 points…..Negative 0.1?!? Two guys!?? That’s gotta be sweet-sweet Lady Irony right there. I bet she would be nice little number to invite up to my private suite. Y’all know I like to party! Especially, with those HOTT young ones. If you know what I mean. Jeffery definitely did. And before y’all go and tell on me, you all should know that Eugenia don’t really mind none to begin with. She just liked me for my money. A guys gotta get it in and out somehow. Cialis ain’t really lasting as long as it used to…..tough times. Speaking of tough times, it looks like they are OVER for Colten. 76 points and the start of winning streak!!! Boy, I wish our Boys could start one of those again. I’m so sad. We are ‘’All in’’ on sucking that fat cock. Chris knows what I’m talking about. I hope Dallas Goedert is okay Colten! I know I tried my damndest to get him to be Cowboy. It would have been perfect. Just like the White-Hope that was….He was my favorite 5.7 40 tight end of all time. Yes, Jason Witten. He lasted like 3 months on Monday Night Football. Just the same amount of time it took him to run a Go-Route. Haha. Oh I crack myself up. Haha. But congrats Colten. I have 2 tickets for you and your beautiful wife, to attend our next home game. Well, if you have a strong enough stomach and won’t get too queezy easily. We got enough Cowboys fans puking their guts out after last week. See you there! And remember, it’s okay if you don’t like my team….Because NOT everyone going to have as good of taste as me! Haha. :)

Ahsan vs Humza

Another WOW right here. I just know it—-When I see a WINNER! I just know it. I mean, I knew it with Johnny Manziel, I mean, I knew it when I passed on Randy Moss….I mean, I knew it when I gave Zeke his new contract…..I mean, I knew it traded two firsts for Joey Galloway….or when I gave a 1st and a 3rd for Roy Williams…I mean the WR guy…you know the black one…Oh, they both were black? Well who cares, they both sucked. Just like we do now!!! Haha. I’ll kill myself. I bet y’all would like that. You sickos!!! I also got a 5th round pick from the Browns for Amari Cooper! I’m so good at this!!! What??? The Browns got a 3rd round pick from the Bills for Amari Cooper? 2 years after I traded him for a 5th?? Fuck!!! But Humza is a winner to me. I trust my eyes. I bet he runs circles around this league EVERY year! Probably has a legacy of just fucking winning it ALL back2back2back, like us in the early 90s!! I bet he drafts even better than myself. Likley NO Taco Charltons or Mazi Smiths in his past….He is probably a wizard at drafting with high picks and making draft-day deals!!! Probably shouts ‘’I’m Hum-Zaaaaahhhhh Bitch!’’ as he pulls the wool over the eyes of his unsuspecting trade partners! Haha…I’m stealing that by the way, when I make trades! ‘’I’M HUM-ZAAAAAHHHH MUTHAFUCKA!!’’….As I take them to task! Can’t wait yell that shit outloud at the next owners meeting!!! Those rich fucks gonna get a kick out of that one. I’m the richest fuy in there though! Just so you know! Rimmel knows what that feels like! Ahsan is in shambles at 3-3….The same as us Cowboys!! Humza goes to 5-1 and is likely the best team IN HERE!! 2 suite tickets coming your way for you and the kiddo—-Or you and the beautiful wife. Don’t worry I’ll keep my old grimy hands off of her :)

Chris vs Nazim

Woah. The SECOND highest scoring team this week again??? Nazim? Remind me again, are you the league owner? Seems like your luck has actually OWNED you the last few seasons instead. Just like me. So sad. Hahaha. Your roster might have more injuries than mine somehow?? That’s actually insane, when you think about it. But you took out my friend Jeffery Epstein’s assailant!!! So it’s nothing but Thank yous from me!!! And so cool to see a Texas guy like Bijan, FINALLY find the end zone last weekend. Very nice!! If Marvin Harrison Jr. wasn’t a Dez Bryant 2.0 cry baby….Nazim woulda had the most points this week. Instead he will have to settle for 4-2. One game better than my team! HOW ABOUT DEM COWBOYS!!!! Feels tragic for me to scream that now. Chris however, needs to do what I did with Romo’s Super Bowl chances in 2017, and just END IT ALL. What can I say? I just loved a rookie Dak Prescott, a little more, than an actual NFL championship. Sue me! Nazim’s team is more stacked than a Cowboys 2008 Bye Week trip to Cabo. Jessica Simpson back then was STACKED! I asked Eugenia, and she sadly said, that Jessica was too old for my taste. And she was likely right. I like em a bit younger. But anyways, super GREAT win Nazim. I wish I could have said the same thing to Mike. Please continue running the league well, and maybe one day I’ll see you next to Shad Khan at the owners meeting. :) (oh i forgot: fuck u chris)

Ali vs Parth

Wow. Unbelievable. Dak had his worst game as a Cowboy? And somehow Ali overcame THAT—-To still win? Please, Ali, show me how!?!?! I need to learn from you because I lost by 38 points, while sitting up in my private suite, trying to keep from soiling myself. It looks like you have 3 solid running backs????….Is that the key Ali? Because I DON’T EVEN have 1….Sure, I could have spent $9 million on Derrick Henry….But how else would I have paid CeeDee? Or better yet, my favorite Zeke, AGAIN??? Exactly. NOPE, WE have to keep doing things MY way!!!!! And when I say ‘’I’m ALL in’’—-That means running back by NO-committee. Fuck a running back!!!! I mean what does Derrick Henry even have as stats for the year!?? He probably sucks ass! Oh —-700 yards and 8 TDs in 6 games? Who even cares?? But I’m glad good RBs have worked out for you Ali. Like Micah Parson in street clothes, Parth had Gabe Davis just relaxing on his bench. Also it looks like the Jets might be worse than our defense!! Man, who am I even kidding? We have to be the WORST defense in the league. It’s unwatchable. I’m about to vomit thinking about it…..Oh shit, here it goes Ahhhhh ughhhh baaahhhh grwsufimkeusuht fuck!——I’ll clean that up later. I might need to clean up the coaching staff while I’m at it. But congrats Ali. Very cool. I’ll keep 1 ticket for you, and 1 child ticket for one of your many pediatric colonoscopy patients to attend a future home game. See you there, you pedirectalspecliast! #thetwofingerspecial :)

Kyriacos vs Alex

Oh boy. The worst 6-0 team in Fantasy Football History!! How does this keep happening? How does this weird named freak keep getting THIS lucky? Josh Allen? Giving him the exact points he needed to knock out Alex? On a Monday Night no less? Like me holding on to Mike McCarthy forever…..I just don’t get it. Don’t worry guys, I will eventually FIRE his fat ass. But it seems like it was another man named ‘’Allen’’ that kept Alex from winning. A Keenan Allen. On his bench with 18 points??? Tough pill to swallow there. Chris knows about swallowing. Glad in 2013, I drafted Terrance Williams, TWO picks before Keenan was drafted. Terrance just got employee-of-the/month at Arby’s and Keenan had 2 TDs last Sunday….You tell me who turned out to be the better draft pick! Don’t fucking question me!!!! Alex falls to 1-5…which makes NO sense with how GOOD his roster is. Kyriacos moves to 6-0…which makes NO sense with how BAD his roster is. You just got to love the matchups and the craziness of this league. I definitely do. Oh and no tickets for your bitch ass Kyriacos!!! :)

Yaseer vs Sean

Oh man, I see Yaseer is in this league. Me and Yaseer go WAY back. He has questioned EVERY roster move I have ever made for the last 35 years of me owning the Cowboys. I’ve owned them basically his whole life. We won at first, but now we don’t do that as much. I know it’s terrible. It pains me. Yaseer even wrote me a very profanity-laced letter back in 2016. He demanded that I take Jalen Ramsey and Derrick Henry in rounds 1 and 2 of that draft. Instead I took Zeke and Jaylon Smith. And Jaylon just got employee-of-the-month at Applebees. He was the top server for September, in the entire city of Fort Wayne, Indiana. That’s actually pretty impressive!!! You’re welcome Dallas! But, I REALLY don’t care what you people think. Especially you Yaseer! I’m going to burn this box of letters you sent me. The ones entitled ‘’Please just fix it like this Jerry’’….Well fuck you and your suggestions. Before I die, I WILL be holding a Lombardi trophy again!! Mark my words! And on the very small off-chance that I don’t get another one, please just bury me in my golden-casket, with the Lombardi I got with Barry Switzer. That was my ‘’I told you so’’ moment. It didn’t last very long, and It hasn’t been very great since then. But I will be back!!! Don’t question me. Hopefully these billions of ‘’hard-earned’’ dollars that I have, can allow me to get like a pig’s heart or some shit to keep me going for many more years. Oh gosh, y’all are Muslim, and I’m a Razorback, so I guess we can go with a cows heart?? Fuck, I think Parth is Indian. He a Hindu? Just give me a chickens heart. Shit, I guess those are kinda small hearts. And Chris is gay, his heart is never really into a small cock. The mental gymnastics are tiring. I just want to live forever. We might win again, if I can 2 more lifetimes. Oh well you can’t please everybody. Oh and Sean even though you lost like a bitch, I want you to know that I did eventually take a knee with my whole team. There’s even a weird photo of it. I did it in solidarity against police brutality. I know initially, I said ‘’You sons of bitches better stand the fuck up, or I will cut every single one of you motherfuckers’’….But then advertisers got like mad and stuff. I wouldn’t want to piss off Pepsi, so I bowed the knee, like my name was Nancy Pelosi at a George Floyd memoriam. Oh man that George Floyd stuff was wild. Also a great photo of Nancy on that one. Good times. I probably said some horrible shit back then, as well. But the perk of being old is….I don’t really remember. I already forgot the Lions game…Did we win? I really hope so. We needed that one. Whatever, Yaseer DID in fact win. So good for him. Congrats Yas. Just stop fucking sending me letter. It’s MY team!! NOT yours!! Just keeping buying the tickets, the jerseys, the merch, the Dez Bryant NFTs, and we will be good! Thank you… :)

That’s all the time I have. Not sure how much time, as in life, I really have left—-So what I’m saying is I could be dead any day now. Oh—-and please stop rooting for me to die. I’ll die on my own time—Trust me, it feels closer and closer with each game Dak plays. Tootles!

(Hello darkness, my old friend

I've come to talk with you again)