2024 Week 9 LoL FFL Post:

Nazim Parupia
Nov 7, 2024
10 min read

Howitz my friends!!

It is I, your favorite South African, your favorite severely-Autistic, Asperger thriving pal, Elon Revee Musk.

Why—yes! I am happy today! As my friend, Donald J. Trump, (an earlier post contributor) has just won his 2nd term as President of the United States. He has promised me a cabinet position within his administration. And if I do indeed accept it, I would be the first $200billionaire to work directly for the US Government. And why—yes, my net worth is more than the $174billion of Ukraine ‘’aid’’ that we have given since 2022!

Oh, I get it! You want to poke fun at my expense do you? I get that there is a lot of irony in me coming out and forth right saying that ‘’I’m against government subsidies’’ while receiving billions in government subsidies myself. I get it. But Tesla and SpaceX are going to change the fucking world!!!! And my foreign immigrant-ass just can’t stand all these illegal fucks who come over here and take our jobs!!! They are a pariah on our society.

What’s that? Oh you’re really going to cite irony, again? Just because I was working in the USofA illegally, when I started Zip2, and even later when I sold it for $300 million dollars, doesn’t mean I should be demonized. The Mexicans are the problem. They come here with their self-righteous Piñata-beating attitudes. And they get money and don’t pay any taxes!

What’s that? I didn’t pay any income tax back in 2018? Fuck you! DJT is my dog! He had my back. More where that came from please! Yaaaas my Orange KING!! And before you go and misquote what I said about Mexicans. I am NOT A RACIST! I am from Africa for goodness sake!

And tell me, could a white South African ever really be racist in the first place? White South Africans have a long LONG history of being open-minded to other people. (I purposely avoided using the word woke there)…I hear that I would get along with Chris in here. I heard he also smokes weed. That’s Uber chill. I also fucking hate Uber. They are trying to prevent me from having self-driving Model 3s all over the road as a ride-share option.

Fuck it, I’ll probably just buy Uber and turn it into a desert wasteland. Maybe I can ruin it, like I did Twitter. Call it something original. Like X-rides or X-taxi….or TaXi and just capitalize the X. I really seem to like the letter X. How about that Cybertruck thing I launched? That thing looks cool, right? What do you mean NO??!? Cmon it’s sexy! I get it. It does look like something a 4 year old draws as he shouts ‘’BIG CAR GO VROOM!’’…..But you dumbasses keep buying it so we keep making them.

Speaking of Uber, man we got some good Uber driver names in here (again I’m from Africa, so I’m not a rich racist) ((just EXTREMELY rich))……But your names are hard for me to spell and/or say. I’ll try my best thought. Although as an introvert, I would never attempt to say them outloud really. So scratch that. Me the shy introverted kid, growing up and spending 2 hours speaking with elk meat connoisseur Joe Rogan in 2024??? Who would have thunk it? Not me. Not me indeed.

But in the spirit of your election season wrapping up. Let’s do what none of you are paying me to do & get into the Week 9 games:

Alex vs Colten

Let’s start with the easy names. A true pro/apartheid matchup here. White power indeed. The two voted ‘’Most Likely To Also Become Billionaires One Day’’….those are the statistics people. Can’t argue with numbers. As one of my new conservative friend always says, ‘’Facts don’t care about your feelings’’…And Alex didn’t give a flying fuck about Colten’s here. Holy shit!!! The full-on-ass-gape-rape occurred here. (Chris knows) This match up was about as One-Sided as Tuesday night. The Alex Purple Wave (that’s also Red and Blue combined by the way) Oh and yes I do have a son. But I didn’t name him something gay like Alex or Colten. He got the name: X Æ A-Xii because he is G. That G is for galactic, not gangster. Speaking of not gangster, Amari Cooper for 0 points, Colten? This is lamer and more embarrassing than the time I threw a brick at the window of my Cybertruck 1.0, in front of millions of people on a live internet stream. And it fucking smashed into pieces. Not so indestructible now? Huh bitch? How embarrassing! It’s been a long year for Coltens and his Raiders. (They just fired another OC) So sad. Congrats Alex. Once I terraform Mars, you get a free SpaceX commercial flight on me. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t die!!!! Mwahahahahahaha (Evil laugh)

Nazim vs Ahsan

Now we are finally in Uberville-Names territory. Ironically, I am too rich to have ever used Uber. However, based on these matchup results, it does appear that you guys would be competent Uber drivers. With these fantasy points totals, I have full faith that you could get me to my desired destination with ease! Excellent performances to you both, but it does appear that Nazim made a catastrophic error! Switching out his defense for the Saints????? The Saints suck ass. Never trust the Saints. More like the Aints, am I right?! Also taking out Cooper Kupp for Jonathan Taylor???? Why???? Oh well, Mr. Pfizer and Mr. StayInTheKitchenYouBitchThatIMarried beat your ass on MNF Nazim. And it was more glorious than 2 Starship rockets perfectly returning to their launch pad, unharmed. It’s a scientific miracle! Also I have been told your bad fantasy luck Nazim needs to be studied by science? Well, I’m just the nerd for that bullshit. I’m on the case!! But a HUGE congrats to Ahsan. He beat a team that was done drafting in the 4th round. Amazing. Once I terraform Mars, you get a free SpaceX commercial flight on me. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t die!!!! Mwahahahahahaha (Evil laugh)

Kyriacos vs Rimmel

Oh how the 0.1 Rematchup was underway last week! And what to a battle it was!! Unfortunately my net worth is NO where near what Rimmel has, so I am glad that he lost here. Deandre Hopkins and Geno Smith chilling on his bench, definitely didn’t help. But I hear Kyriacos loves Rimmel dearly. (Not in a gay way) ((not like that Chris)) (((put some clothes on your queer freak))) ((((not a dress you cross dressing sicko)))) Back to the matchup. Overall, it’s cool that you’re winning a bunch Kyriacos, but 7-2 with your roster is still just a shit ton of luck. I get that you’re overly confident, and you do that every year, but you need to chill. It’s all going to even out when Pacheco is back. Trust me on that one. Also Lamb is going to suck without his BitchBoi Dak force feeding him the ball. Once I terraform Mars, you WILL NOT be getting a free SpaceX commercial flight on me. But if I did, I’d make sure you die in deep space!!!! Mwahahahahahaha (Evil laugh)

Ali vs Yaseer

Wow. Tank Dell and Ray Davis left on the bench of Ali?? That’s rough. Also Mohammad Ali is now my 2nd favorite Ali of all time! (Also a Muslim) ((but like Ali, also very very dead)) (((inshallah))) ((((As-salamu alaikum)))) Okay back to the matchup, so I guess Sam LaPorta kinda sucks this year? 15th best TE in the league, but was drafted 1st? What is this a joke. He’s like the Dogecoin of Tight ends. Such a trash LaPorta. They should call him LaPortaPotty…Am I right? Honestly, I can pay you people to fucking laugh at my jokes. Seriously, $100,000 per sympathy chuckle, and even if I did that I still would have over $264 BILLION left to cover more of my Twitter-profit losses. Haha. I’m losing so much money on that one. So just chuckle and flatter an out-of-touch billionaire for me. Thank you! Oh and I was told to say ‘’Fuck you Chris’’ right here. So fuck you Chris! Also I hope Drake London is okay Ali. But Yaseer pulls this one out. I wish I would have pulled out of Talulah’s wicked snatch? She was such an evil bitch to me. I think there’s video evidence on YouTube. I would have killed if I could. I’m just kidding! As the kids say JK!!! Oh and speaking of JK, Yaseer had a big game from JK Dobbins. 23.5 points! Nice!!! Congrats Yaseer! Once I terraform Mars, you get a free SpaceX commercial flight on me. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t die!!!! Mwahahahahahaha (Evil laugh)

Parth vs Sean

Bum ass Dalvin Cook over Zamir White? Cmon Apartheid Parth!!! It’s been a season of tragedy for you! 3-6??? Unbelievable. That’s why you never draft in the middle of an active wedding marriage. I’ve been married 3 times, shit twice to the same fucking woman. You NEVER ever draft a fantasy team at a wedding. Everyone knows that. AI Auto-draft might have been better option for you Parth. That is better than trying to follow the board and texting in your picks while someone you care about is actively getting married!?!?? But I will see you at next year’s draft. Because your season is OVER half way through. At least the Broncos aren’t finished quite yet. I heard Kyriacos is paying for the whole draft next year! Flights included! Billionaire Alpha move brother! (Chris is a beta bitch gayboi) But looking at Sean’s team Jalen Hurts carried his ass again! Footprints in the sand type shit! Very cool. During this recent two-game winning streak, Sean has been holding his knee, heavily on the neck of the league. (No g-Floyd) Personally, I was an All-Lives Matter guy. Apologies Sean! But super Uber congrats to you and your non-Uber driving name! Once I terraform Mars, you get a free SpaceX commercial flight on me. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t die!!!! Mwahahahahahaha (Evil laugh)

Chris vs Humza

A little history lesson. I started my first business at the age of 12. Chris wasn’t even fully openly gay yet at 12 and still jerking his peter-teeter to Hulk Hogan magazine pictures. When I was 24, I started my own company. Chris hadn’t even started his first Diddy orgy until he was 26 or so. I have founded 8 large companies in my lifetime. Chris avoided 8 loses on the year by the smallest of margins. Nice job Chris! You faggot. Humza….what are you doing bro?!?!Only HUGE losers would lose a game by 0.1 points. Haha. Mahomes single handedly dismantled the Bucs defense and your fantasy team. But we have to also not forget, thanking Baker Mayfield for scoring a late game TD, and sending this game into overtime, to get Mahomes, extra 69 passing yards, and seal Humza’s fate. (I need to take a breath after that) Lordy, Zay Flowers balled out last week. And all of his 27 points were just chilling on Humza’s bench? So sad. But Chris now wins his 2nd game in a row! That’s awesome. Next stop = Playoffs. Well for some. Next stop for Chris = Cold Plunge. Enjoy you bitch ass GayBoi!!!! I hope you don’t die! Mwahahahahahaha (Evil laugh)

It’s been fun guys.

I’m off to design some other hideous overpriced vehicle

Tootles!!

Musky

THE DETAILS:

Week 9 Auction Report ($10+):

· Bears D/ST = Naz ($12) over Ali ($10)

Week 9 High/Low Points:

· Least = Colten (76.4)

· Most = Kcos (135.4)

HIGH TOTALS YTD:

· Sean = $10

· Humza = $30

· Rimmel = $10

· Alex = $20

· Ahsan = $10

· Kcos = $10

LOW TOTALS YTD:

· Colten = 4

· Ahsan = 1

· Chris = 3

· Rimmel = 1

Close Games (<2-point difference):

· Week 1 = None

· Week 2 = Sean (W) v Rimmel (106.9-105.1)

· Week 3 = None

· Week 4 = None

· Week 5 = Sean (W) v Alex (120.1-119.4)

· Week 6 = None

· Week 7 = Ahsan (W) v Sean (111.4-110.6)

· Week 8 = None

· Week 9 = Chris (W) v Humza (108.7-108.6)

Semi-Close Games (2-5-points difference):

· Week 1 = Yas (W) v Parth (89.8-85.5)

· Week 2 = None

· Week 3 = None

· Week 4 = Kcos (W) v Parth (79.9-75.5)

· Week 5 = None

· Week 6 = Kcos (W) v Alex (112.3-108.1)

· Week 7 = Ali (W) v Chris (95.4-91.5)

· Week 8 = None

· Week 9 = Sean (W) v Parth (99.7-96.1)

Kicker Impact:

· Week 1 = Naz (W) v Alex

· Week 2 = Sean (W) v Rimmel

· Week 3 = None

· Week 4 = None

· Week 5 = Sean (W) v Alex

· Week 6 = Kcos (W) v Alex

· Week 7 = None

· Week 8 = None

· Week 9 = Sean (W) v Parth

It’s actually insane that this is the 3rd time Sean has won because of his kicker… Absolutely crazy, but we know which way he is voting next year haha.

LEAGUE CUP:

League Cup will begin THIS week! Who’s excited to see who will take the cup this year?!

- Nazim & Ahsan are ineligible

- Colten & Kyriacos are 1-0 w/tiebreakers

- 3-week sprint, championship game during week 11

UPDATE After Week 8:

· 1-0: Colten, Kyriacos, Humza, Chris, Sean, Ali

· 0-1: Parth, Rimmel, Yaseer, Alex

UPDATE After Week 9:

· 2-0: Kyriacos, Chris, Sean

· 1-1: Yaseer, Alex, Humza, Colten, Ali

· 0-2: Parth, Rimmel

NEXT WEEK:

· Parth, Rimmel, Yaseer, Alex, Humza, and Ali have now been eliminated

· Sean plays Chris – winner is guaranteed to be in championship game in week 11 (3-0)

· Kcos gets to championship game with a win (3-0)

· Colten would get in with a win, Kcos loss, and point differential (currently 138.6-267.2), which means Kcos is almost guaranteed to get in unless a colossal failure somewhere…

o Kcos and Colten own tiebreaker of 2-1 teams due to top 2 seed and tiebreaker between them is points scored differential in weeks 8-10

· Reminder: Week 11 championship game will be manually scored between the two teams – it is a pure coincidence that Kcos is playing Sean on the schedule in week 11 - LOL