2025 Week 3 LoL FFL Post

Nazim Parupia
Sep 25
7 min read

Dearest mother—

I write you this evening with horrendous abhorrent news….Ugh, our unit has been defeated by a Union battalion led by a fellow white-skinned-man who is foot-obsessed-warrior named Specialist Colten. I’m sorry mother for my haste, but I feel somewhat guilty, as I have done multiple moments of remembrance from down on my knees in service of him. (No Kap) I kiss his beautiful feet in surrender. I was begging me to show him mercy and to stop. He however, didn’t listen. I am now winless mother, but I did get you a snazzy commemorative pin (Not a ring sadly) last year for my past efforts. And that’s all I have to cling to, because the things I have had to tolerate this year, I believe are only acts of the devil himself. The kind of wickedness that I’ve yet to see, since the days of a sissy-frikle like my Brother Chris. Who continues dishonored you and papa. Don’t worry I will fix him. I will work tirelessly to gain your forgiveness for what I have done this year to my anus each week, as I now share in Chris’ sinful ways. My JD5 sidearm has been put on the shelf, and my soldiers are not excited for any thought of further battle, because we will likely lose. Our journey from the depths of the ridicule of draft night, has been painful, but I know this to be true, I had faith one day I would be vindicated. And I wasn’t! I suck ass mama! (Don’t tell papa, and fuck Brother Chris)

Mama, I do miss thee every day.

Brother Chris has yet to repent for the things he’s done in his past, but I continue to pray for his soul. The other day we caught him again behind the barn. He states he was simply checking the belt loop sturdiness of now Retired Admiral Nassib’s trousers again. The stains on his lapel and uniform, as they are every year, seem to suggest otherwise. I will one day end his sinful lifestyle, one day I will enact my revenge. The good news, is that the campaign is still young, and more opportunities are afoot. I will heed your advice and never falter in my faith, no matter how bleak the dawn seems. And trust me, winless for the first 3 weeks has been very, fucking, bleak ma ma!

With love,

Capt. ZeroPointOne

(Once a champion, but NEVER AGAIN)

Brigadier Humza vs Father Parth

Before anything else mother, I must inform you that the entire brigade’s deepest condolences go out to Father Parth. It’s with great sorrow that I must report that he was attending a matrimonial ceremony, and while celebrating the couple’s loving union, he drafted the worst talent of all time. And in his endless-rage, we can only presume Father Parth ended it all. (Really, General Goff did it haha) And now he is the headed to his eventual demise, competing along side of me, for most likely eliminated from playoff contention. We have laid his body in the ground. Our unit surrounded him with great sorrow and prayed over his corpse. Brigadier Humza was the only one who seemed at odds with the group’s sentiments. He made a passing comment that stuck with me. He said, ‘’Wait, how?Niiiiceeeeeeee.’’ We will conduct a thorough investigation into what truly happened that fateful night to Father Parth. And who may be responsible. (General Goff) But it does seem strange how nonchalantly happy Brigadier Humza has been around the campfire the last few nights. Private Harvey and General RavensD both failed to administer first-aid quickly, which likely contributed to his death. Rest in Peace Father Parth. I promise to take care of the kids. (Don’t worry, I’ll keep them away from Colonel Ali)

Colonel Ali vs Corporal Ahsan

Mother, it pains me to say that President Gayleb Williams and Vice President Hunter Henry, inked their nails and their quills this week, and have formally discharged Corporal Ahsan from his duty. He now wallows in shame, but Gayleb got a Gucci handbag as a reward from Brother Chris. And for Cadet Love? Corporal Ahsan was negatively impacted by his abysmal performance. He laid down his musket and wept. We tried to tell him that each of us have had weak moments and made the mistake of trusting a Utah-State-educated non-soaking-Mormon-QB…I mean atleast Zach Wilson with 0 points, gets the ladies in bevy. (Most the elder ones haha) Huge mistake for Corporal Ahsan to place his faith in any Wisconsinite who is vaccinated and not doing ayuwascha, while saying 9/11 wasn’t an inside job?? A colossal mistake Ahsan, but it gets even worse…As Brother Chris then opened up to him about his own transgressions against God, while trying to get Ahsan to switch teams. But Corporal Ahsan rejected those homosexual advances, packed his things, and left the unit. I was saddened to learn Corporal Ahsan’s other boot camp colleague Private Flowers went awol right before battle. It’s a tragic state of affairs. I am grief stricken with the burden of keeping my men’s morale high. I will press on. Congratulations to Colonel Ali, he seems to be soaring away from being winless this campaign. I wish I could utter the same words myself, but alas, I suck ass!!! (No Kap and No homo)

Lieutenant Rimmel vs Major Alex

This battle was a high-ammunition affair between two of our most attractive combat leaders. Major Alex and Lieutenant Rimmel are both in peak physical shape. Working out every single day. However, one indeed is more attractive to the group as a whole, (Sweet Sweet Rimmel) especially to Brother Chris. And tragically, yes, it happened my dearest mother…Rimmel was gaped and raped this week. But shockingly it wasn’t Brother Chris this time…Instead being Major Alex, who has inflicted this evil upon him. Rimmel could be heard shouting ‘’Stooooopppppp!!! STOP!’’….But just like the Helen Keller school songs we learned as kids, his cries fell upon deaf ears. Sad to say ma ma, this invasion of Rimmel’s rectum led to his death and my sorrow. Before the criminal act, Major Alex kept saying ‘’one more tush push from Major Hurts, just one more’’. None of us knew with what he was referring. But them Hurts dug deeeeeep into Rimmel’s ‘’endzone’’. Congratulations Major Alex. We honor Lieutenant Rimmel’s life and his former purity. He will be so sadly missed, he was a sweet sweet prince to us all mother dearest, indeed he was. Prayer hands emoji.

Sergeant Sean vs Commissioner Nazim

Mother— I do also have to regretfully inform you on another update. It’s been a tough week-end. We had one more casualty from our long day at battle. Surprisingly while taking Fort Hood, Sergeant Sean was killed by a wild Colt named JayTay who came out of nowhere and bucked him. I tried to hold up the Holy Cross and garlic like you taught me, but nothing could tame the young beast. This JayTay Colt seems to target our most decorated soldiers week after week, and year after year…And he bucked up and hit Sergeant Sean directly in his chest with his hind legs. Sean was heard screaming ‘’Fuck it, death won’t take anything away from me. Top Tier Jannah here I come.’’ Sadly, it was the only top tier winning that he ever had. Commissioner Nazim appears to have been threatening another camp takeover this Fall. But, I fortunately have already warned the Natives and my men at base camp to never bargain or trade with him, EVER again. So don’t worry, tell papa that we WILL get to the bottom of this and fix it in the future. Until then, it does seem like Nazim will unleash his power on his next victim soon. Congratulations Nazim.

Captain ZeroPointOne vs Specialist Colten

Mother, I have received your care package of spiced raccoon calves, sweetened sparrow wrists, and, of course, precious hog hooves. With these great care package, we should battle ready. I did need to tell you however, that it was Specialist Colten who was MORE battle ready than me last week. I regretfully chose to commit treason against my own country. And I was caught, outside, by the proverbial outhouse, with my pants down this week. Specialist Colten beat my ass like he was an Injun with a deer skinned drum. My squadron were all troubled to have learned this. I never expected to be working with the enemy. Private Sutton, Gibbs, and Jackson all informed me that they had infiltrated my plan to circumvent Nazim from his rightful throne and ring! And now Colten is the favorite in my eyes to take that spot, Congratulations to Colten!

Admiral Yaseer vs Brother Chris

Alas mother, speaking of Brother Chris, I am constantly amazed by the levels at which he lusts for his own gender. I can’t seem to break his desires. We all have worked tirelessly to stop him. To turn him to what is good and pure. But he just keeps on coming, back for more. Pray for strength. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for healing. He was awful to Admiral Yaseer and almost beat him. So in response, Yaseer took his Indiana Jones whip against him and lashed Brother Chris good this last week!!!…I pray this harrowing beating officially ends his gayness. But nothing makes him stop. He tells me this is the way God has made him. He tells me he can’t change. Who next will have to fall victim to his schemes? Who next will be startled from behind in the night? My camp is struggling to reconcile his actions. He is but a gooey white slimy stain that won’t wash out. May we will all lash his ass like Admiral Yaseer did and hope that he will get back up again. May his butthole and his soul never heal from what he has done. God speed.

Finally, I shall put down my quill now, as I lay my head on my pillow to rest. And lastly, weep myself to sleep ma ma. This is been so hard. I don’t know this feeling. But I hope that next time I write you, it with writing of future triumph and valor and not this despair of defeat, that I have felt henceforth. If only mercy could shine its grace upon me next week, if only….

With great love,

Yours truly

Capt. ZeroPointOne!

P.S. - Fuck Chris