2025 Week 4 LoL FFL Post

Nazim Parupia
Oct 2
7 min read

General NazKenobi,

Years ago you served my rival MaceGaydude (aka Chris) in the Clone Wars. Now the faggot bastard’s begging for your help, knee-deep in his own unhealthy queerness (yes, I said it — and you know I meant it). My ship’s been boarded by his flamboyant legion, and I can’t deliver this message myself because I’m stuck fighting off glitter bombs, racial slurs and a team of cross-dressing, drag-queen storm troopers.

Inside this R2 unit is data critical to the survival of HumZPO and Count Ashan. You must get this droid to MaceGaydude on planet Consylacionbrakit — if he doesn’t get it, he might drown in his own rainbow cum.This is our most desperate hour… so get off your cosmic galactic ass and help him, NazKenobi. Without you, he’s totally fucked — and destined to be more gay than ever. You’re our only hope! (Also fuck how good your team is again this year, glad you lost)

P.S. Did you hear that Ty'Reek Skyblazer just dislocated his knee and tore multiple ligaments during Miami’s big win? Yeah, shit is absolutely fucked for ParthVader. Also I heard that The Rimmeldalorian’s poor young droid M1Nabers blew out his knee as well. FUUUUUUCCKKKKK. That’s about as shitty of a twist as this impossible mission.

Use that as motivation: if he can survive that, you can survive this shitty galaxy.

ParthVader vs Darth Kcos

The Force was violently unbalanced as Darth Kcos absolutely annihilated ParthVader 109.8 to 87.7 in a beatdown so brutal it made Alderaan look like a minor scuffle. Leading the Sith charge was none other than Christian RunwalkerMcCaffery who blasted off for 23 points like he had jet fuel in his cleats, dodging tackles like clone troopers dodging accountability. Not to be outdone, kicker Matt Gaygon Jinn who dropped a seismic charge of his own with 18 motherfucking points—yes, the kicker came in swinging his leg like a lightsaber through butter, reminding everyone that kickers can, in fact, be savage Jedi masters. And rising Darth Kcos from the fantasy grave like a cyborg from hell came Kyle PittsMaul slashing through ParthVader’s limp-ass team for 15 points after weeks of doing absolutely jack shit. Meanwhile, ParthVader’s roster looked more lost than a stormtrooper in a corn maze, moving slower than Jabba on a treadmill, offering about as much resistance as a moisture farmer at a Sith dinner party. Darth Kcos didn’t just win—he took ParthVader’s fantasy soul, lit it on fire, and pissed on the ashes while laughing like Emperor Palpatine on bath salts. Show up to the draft next year and maybe you would win something! Mwahahahahaha!

NazKenobi vs The Rimmeldalorian

In a motherfucking showdown that felt like a battle on Mustafar fueled by spice and disappointment, The Rimmeldalorian edged out NazKenobi 123.2 to 118.7 in a galactic slugfest loaded with enough fantasy firepower to blow up a fucking small planet—and yet somehow, somehow, NazKenobi still found a way to lose like a stormtrooper trying to hit a moving target. Leading the charge for The Rimmeldalorian was none other than Amon-Ra-St-Boba, The Touchdown Hunter who racked up 22 points while dragging defenders like frozen carbonite cargo. Then came big ass sophomore gunslinger Drake MandaloreMaye slinging lasers for 23 points like he was trying to overthrow the Empire himself, while Quinshon CountJudkins rumbled in like a Sith war beast and punched in 19 points of pure unfiltered dark side violence. Meanwhile, on the other side of the galaxy, NazKenobi rolled out the bastard rookie Ashton WanKenobi, that I passed on, who dropped a nuclear 32-point game like a Force-powered warhead—and STILL caught the L. That’s like blowing up the Death Star and then tripping over a damn gonk droid on your way out. Jeanty Wan Kenobi did everything short of call in Yoda himself, but the rest of NazKenobi’s squad folded like a fucking Jedi council when faced with actual danger. No defense, no support, just a sad Jedi crying into his blue milk while The Rimmeldalorian jetpacked off with the Dub and probably banged a Twi’lek waitress on the way out. Such a sweet sweet man! He cared for that baby Yoda so well!

AlexDaHutt vs Alikan Skywalker

In one of the most chaotic, Force-fueled fantasy shootouts this side of the Outer Rim, AlexDaHutt waddled his slimy ass to a stunning 147.9 to 140.6 win over the golden boy himself, Alikan Skywalker, in a matchup that felt less like football and more like a full-scale assault on the Jedi Temple. Let’s be clear: Alikan Skywalker dropped 140.6 points—ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FUCKING POINTS—and still lost. This man could’ve obliterated literally any other team in the league this week, but instead, he ran into a space slug whose squad simultaneously turned into the fucking mega laser up Alikan’s ass. AlexDaHutt’s victory was fueled by the unholy trinity of 29-point performances from Josh Jakku-Jacobs Puka Nacuabacca, and G-Pickens the Hutt Slayer—That’s right—29, 29, and 29—like some twisted Sith ritual, these three decided to go full Order 66 and execute Alikan’s entire fantasy roster with surgical precision. It was like watching three Force ghosts rise from the ashes to dunk on a youngling graduation party. Meanwhile, poor Alikan Skywalker, armed with a lightsaber of raw points and the arrogance of a Chosen One, looked up at the scoreboard expecting celebration—only to get gut-punched by Jabba and his 29-point goon squad. Skywalker played his heart out, but AlexDaHutt just sat there giggling like a rancor got into the spice stash, watching his triple-29 warlords obliterate the galaxy’s last hope. Sometimes the dark side doesn’t just win—it throws a party on your corpse. That’s what I call a bigger punishment than having to watch The Rise of Skywalker on repeat. I still don’t understand how they screwed the pooch so fucking bad with the Disney saga. Horrible. Either way, Alikan Skywalker got to drink his unpasteurized space cow milk directly from the nipple while crying in defeat.

HumZPO vs Sean Solo

In a galaxy full of gay losers and screw-ups like Chris, Sean Solo blasted past HumZPO 107 to 93.8 like the Millennium Falcon on a hyperdrive fueled by pure cockiness and stolen credits. Leading this rebel scum to victory was Padiwan JAllen17 who carved up defenses for 24 points like he was slashing Sith Lords with a lightsaber. Right behind him, Travis EwokEtienne ran wild with 19 points, scampering through HumZPO’s bitchass team like a feral ass Wookiee on a spice binge. Then there was PrincessDK, who laid down 21 points of pure queen brutality, gunning down HumZPO’s hopes and dreams like a blaster volley straight to the junk. Meanwhile, HumZPO continued his reign as the absolute worst fantasy football player in the entire fucking galaxy—seriously, this guy couldn’t draft a competent team if his life depended on it. His squad played like they were busy worshipping JabbaAllah instead of scoring points, and with a garbage performance like that, it’s no wonder his brother Sean Solo’s smug ass is sitting pretty on top while HumZPO keeps choking harder than a Jawa caught in a sandstorm. The only thing more pathetic than HumZPO’s fantasy skills is the fact that he somehow still shows up every year, ready to get Force-fucked by better players like Sean Solo who clearly have the Force—and the fantasy football gods—on their side. There is only one God…and his name is not HumZPO! Eat shit!

Master Yassah vs Count Ashan

In a matchup that looked like it was directed by George Lucas during a midlife crisis, Count Ashan sliced his way to a 121.1 to 116.6 win over Master Yassah, who once again proved he’s more Phantom Menace than Return of the Jedi. Count Ashan came into this duel wielding dark side power and a roster hotter than a podracer engine on Tatooine. Leading the Sith charge was Jordan “Love Sidious”, who Force-blasted 26 points straight through Master Yassah’s weak-ass defense like lightning from his fingertips. He wasn’t alone—James Cook Dooku served up 21 points of gourmet pain, while Quentin Qui-Gon Johnston rose from fantasy irrelevance to drop a spicy 19-point saber slash to the face. Between them, these three Sith acolytes channeled some twisted AlexDaHutt energy, all racking up big-ass numbers like they were on a group text chain called ‘’Let’s Ruin Yassah’s Weekend.’’ And speaking of Master Yassah—this guy pulled 20 points from the Lions Defense, which is about as rare as a sober night in Mos Eisley, and STILL caught the L. Imagine getting a Death Star-level performance from your D/ST and walking away with a loss. That’s like pulling off a successful trench run only to get slapped by Jar Jar on the way out. Master Yassah's squad folded under pressure like a clone trooper with PTSD, and no amount of Jedi wisdom could save him from the onslaught Count Ashan unleashed. The Force is clearly not with Yassah—at this point, it’s actively flipping him

off. And now Master Yassah’s playoff chances have seemingly died in the swamp before Episode VI. Sucks to suck. He has been demoted to Pupil Yassah moving forward.

Colt Dameron vs MaceGaydude

MaceGaydude finds another way to be the completely gayest person to have ever roamed the galaxy. Everything he seems to touch turns into total RainbowBoi lunacy. Omaarion Hampton’s HEROJedi return from the depths of hell saved him. I mean Colt Dameron crashed his plane and even killed his co-pilot LamarioJacksonWindu. He was heard screaming ‘’Oh fuck! My hamstring is off the fucking bone’’ before dying. MaceGaydude survives again another week being average as fuck at 2-2 after 4 weeks. My only wish to the heavens above, would be that MaceGaydude, also previously known as LilGayBoi, existed a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...