2025 Week 5 LoL FFL Post

Nazim Parupia
Oct 9
8 min read

Folks, I’m back — bigger, better, and more orange than ever.

This week in fantasy football was almost as chaotic as my last campaign rally, where I accidentally endorsed three different people for Speaker of the House — and one of them was a faggot in sunglasses (Sorry Chris). Great gay man, that Chris is. Still makes better decisions than most of Congress to tell you the truth. So so gay though. So so gay. But somehow definitely still more popular than me in New York. I mean New York is going to have a Muslim mayor now? You seen this? You heard about this? Cmon. I built that city and now what? A disaster that’s what. Like Aaron Rodgers running out with the flag on September 11th, 2023 that city is going up in flames. I tell you what.

Now let’s talk Week 5, okay? Because this league is rigged. It’s total and utter bullshit. The best guy in here Kyriacos—is only 2-3? After losing 3 straight.

Of course I tried to overturn his losses and filed three lawsuits while calling the commissioner Sleepy Nazim and demanded a recount, but still got my ass handed back to me with another NO vote. Total disgrace.

Meanwhile, the injury bug this season is hitting harder than a hooker at a Don Jr. bachelor party….and the waiver wire is drier than Melania’s love texts (Pussies sometimes get wet I’m told) ((Sorry Chris, they are supposed to)) (((Maybe we will both find out one day, but I doubt it))) And wow. Justin Fields looked like a real quarterback for once. Too bad he is going to have a Muslim mayor. Did I mention that? Did I cover that? Oh, well. Still so so tragic.

I haven’t seen a turnaround that shocking since I tried convincing people I actually read the Constitution — front to back — and didn’t just use it to wrap a cheeseburger.

Well buckle the hell up boys, because this week in fantasy football is just like my foreign policy, absolutely no one knew what the fuck was going on. And that’s the way I like it. Keep em guessing I always say. Time to bomb some other no name shithole. Where will I pick next?

Time will tell…. Now let’s get into it. Tremendous recap coming. Maybe the best ever. People are saying that. Not me. But people have said that…

Yaseer vs Kyriacos

In one of the most underwhelming yet hilarious fantasy faceplants of Week 5, Kyriacos squeaked by Yaseer 106.3 to 102.5 in a game that had less offensive firepower than a gender reveal party hosted by Mitch McConnell. Patrick Mahomes tried his best but Yaseer got absolutely fucked by Elic “Where Am I?” Ayomanor, who ghosted harder than me on jury duty with 2.8 sad-ass points, and Tyler “Field Goal Failure” Loop, who somehow managed just 3 points — which is three more than anyone expected, to be honest. Meanwhile, Kyriacos didn’t exactly light it up, but he got just enough juice out of Rhamondre “Rhambo” Stevenson, who finally remembered he plays football, and Tee “Two Target Higgins,” who rose from the dead like one of my bankrupt casinos trying to rebrand as a vape shop. Yaseer’s team had all the explosive potential of a wet fart on a leather seat, and Kyriacos backed into his first win streak like a drunk valet at a Mar-a-Lago fundraiser. Most disappointing? Ayomanor, who looked like he was running routes in flip-flops. But hey — a win’s a win, even if it stinks like Rudy’s hair dye in a Pennsylvania Four Seasons parking lot. Congratulations Kyriacos!!! (thanks man) ((no thank you)) (((no—-actually thank you))) ((((fuck I need therapy)))) (((((dad will show up again))))) ((((((no he won’t)))))) :(

Rimmel vs Ali

This one felt like watching me give a 4 hour speech about how bad the UN has been for the world. Or better yet how Israel is a beacon of hope for us all. Or better yet how Hamas is the real genocidal evil-doers….But oh well, Rimmel somehow pulled it off, 97.7 to 90.0. Ali, bless his dumb fantasy heart, fielded a team that looked like it was sponsored by the Charlie Kirk’s security detail. Pop pop. Too soon? Yeah likely…Alvin “Can’t Kamara to Save Ya” shat out 7.5 points, running like he was wearing cement Crocs, and Jakobi “M.I.A.” Meyers gave 5.2 — vanishing faster than me and Melania during tax season….Oh sweet sweet Rimmel…He didn’t exactly flex either — Dude won this game tripping over his own dick (And I hear it’s bigger than mine)…((And most woman say mine is HUGE)) — But he did have some help from Jackson “Smooth Criminal” Smith-Njigba, who balled out with 23.2, and Quinshon “Juiced Judkins” with a solid 13.3. Rimmel’s team? Scrappy as hell. Ali’s? Looked like it was drafted by a sombrero wearing Hakeem Jeffries. Final verdict: Rimmel gets a dirty W, Ali walks away like the last guy left at a swingers party. Alone, confused, and without pants. Haraam or Haram or HoeHum! Indeed. Congrats Rimmel!

Humza vs Nazim

Our other fearless leader (Besides myself) Nazim squeaked out a 118.7 to 118.3 win over Humza in a finish tighter than my pants after a 20 burger and 4 diet cokes dinner on the Lolita Express. (I miss you Jeffery) This matchup was a coin toss…But Humza, god bless him, benched both Stefon “Can’t Stop” Diggs and Rashid “Fast as Fuck” Shaheed, leaving points on the table like I leave subpoenas unopened in my sock drawer. Meanwhile, his starters were limp as fuck — AJ “Where’d He Go?” Brown gave him 6.8 points and Trey “Two Moms, No Hands” McBride coughed up a flaccid 6.6. Nazmin, on the other hand, rode a full-on cheat code performance from Jonathan “Touchdown Tycoon” Taylor, who scored 30 points and 3 TDs like he was trying to buy Indiana, and Darren “Grandpa Hands” Waller dropped 16.3 while probably still asking who the hell he is, like his name is Jospeh Biden. Humza didn’t lose because Nazim dominated — he lost because he played himself. And yet again, he sucks the fatal dick that is Fantasy Football. But please like and subscribe to the Caravan Podcast. Where they discuss Muslim type things. (Get Mamdani—Humza—or stay irrelevant) Final score: Nazim wins by 0.4 — less than the IQ points shared by the entire cast of Fox & Friends. Brutal. Hilarious. Painful. Congrats Naz!

Colten vs Alex

This matchup had more drama than my DMs after an election night. (Stop messaging me dick pics Chris) Colten took down Alex 125.9 to 118.4, despite Alex having two absolute monsters — Nick “Thighs of Glory” Chubb and Jordan “Fuck It I’ll Drink Another” Addison— sitting on the fucking bench like they were grounded. Instead, Alex started Khalil “Eight Is Enough” Shakir and Kenneth “Sloppy Walker” Walker, who combined for 17.1 sad little points and zero hope. Meanwhile, Colten was rolling fatter than a JD Vance hillbilly elegy blunt—With CJ “Outta Control” Stroud, who dropped 28 points and 4 touchdowns like he was trying to get recruited by NASA (The Earth is flat and aliens are REAL—I have the files) ((And no I won’t release those files—FUCK YOU) and Kyren “Krazy Legs” Williams, who twerked his way to 27 like a man possessed. Colten’s bench was trash, but when your starters go full MAGA-mode, it doesn’t matter if the rest of your team is made of cardboard and broken promises. Alex played it safe and lost. Colten? Played it loud, played it dirty, played it right. That’s how you win, baby. Colten is my favorite to win it ALL now. Mark my words m. Congrats Colt45 and two zig-zags, baby that’s all we need. JD knows what I’m talking about!

Sean vs Parth

Sean knelt down on Parth’s neck like his name was George Floyd— 98.3 to 88.2 in a fantasy showdown so ugly it should’ve come with a trigger warning. Charlie? Too soon. Fuck. Parth’s squad, just like his draft attendance—Didn’t showed up — Derrick “Dead Legs” Henry stumbled to 9.3 points like Hunter Biden coke bump, and RJ “Hardly’’ Harvey put up a pathetic 4.5 that made me want to delete the entire ESPN and Truth Social apps from my phone. Sean, meanwhile, got bailed out by Ja’Marr “TD Machine” Chase with 26 and Rachaad “Lightning” White with 21, who both carried the team harder than Eric Trump trying to spell “analytics.” The rest of Sean’s team? Weak as fuck. But when your studs go GazaBombMode, you will be fine. Unlike those Palestinian kids…(Kyriacos needs to pause to puke again) Parth made lineup decisions like his in person draft attendance the last two year —Flawed. Final result: ‘’Get that son of a bitch off the field’’ —Oh wait that’s Sean. Get him up from his knee and give him the Medal of Honor!!! Congrats Sean! But we are a land of laws, so please get out of our beautiful country! MAGA!

Ahsan vs Chris

Ahh and now, we finally get to the GayBoi. Chris beat-off, I mean bear Ahsan 112.2 to 94.1, in a performance that was gayer than a Netanyahu speech to the US Congress on morality. But yet, Chris has no morals, folks. He doesn’t even let the hookers pee on him. I let them pee on me. It’s very good. Trust me. I’m the best at hotel pee-pee. But Ahsan, got raped, as watched James “Overcooked” Cook buttfuck to 4.9 points and Quentin “Dumbass” Johnston for the same with another 4.9 — plus a fumble just to spice up the ass-gaping. Chris got the fucking luckiest this year with Emeka “Don’t Egbuka Me In The Ass’’, who lit it up for 27.8, and Jaylen “Penguin Express” Waddle, who threw in a clean 20 and didn’t even break a sweat. Final verdict: Ahsan got bent over, Johnston fumbled his last shred of dignity, and Chris does the same thing he has always done. Be gay as fuck. Classic.

Welp that’s Week 5 for your shitty league. But I promise you my league is better. Folks, let me tell you, in my league I am undefeated. 5-0. Nobody better.

I picked sleepers so good they woke up early, okay? People said my draft was a disaster—fake news! Total lie! I drafted a kicker in the fifth round and still dominated. Tremendous kicker, the best. Some say maybe the best ever. People are calling, they're saying, 'Sir, how did you know Puka Nacua would be that good?' I said, 'I just know talent. I have a great brain.'

Look, I went undefeated last year too. 15-0—some say that’s impossible. I say, it’s just called winning. You don’t get that kind of success unless you're very, very smart. Or me. Probably just me.

Anyway, like Chris in a gay bar, we’re going all the way this year, folks. Championship vibes, beautiful vibes. May we all smear the queers in our lives and overcum our own demons. I know I have. God bless the USA and God bless America. (Not the South one, just the North one) ((But just the middle part of the North one)) (((You all get the point)))

DJT —over and out

P.S. - Fuck Chris.

THE DETAILS:

Week 5 Auction Report ($10+):

Kyriacos = Hassan Haskins ($52) over Ali ($25), Rimmel ($20), Nazim ($12), Colten ($12)
Alex = Kimani Vidal ($20) over Chris ($16), Nazim ($1)
Kyriacos = Packers D/ST ($12)