2025 Week 7 LoL FFL Post

Welcome back, you immunocompromised fantasy fucks. It’s me, Dr. Anthony Fauci — the guy your weird uncle still blames for Thanksgiving 2020 and who apparently is now forced to recap your sorry-ass fantasy league because you mouth-breathers can’t stop making the dumbest decisions this side of a bleach injection.

This week in fantasy was a full-blown superspreader event of bad roster moves, horrible draft regret, and scores so low they should be quarantined. There was more transmission in these lineups than there was at a Spring Break foam party in Miami during peak Delta variant. Fuck you all.

Let’s go matchup by matchup before I need to triple-boost just from looking at this bullshit below.

Nazim vs Kyriacos

Kyriacos dropped 153 points like he was patient zero in a fantasy outbreak. And who led the charge? None other than Christian McFuckingCaffrey with 35 points!!! — The same guy Nazim tried to trade for like a desperate anti-vaxxer trying to buy forged vax cards off Craigslist.

And let’s talk about the real crime here. Nazim had the chance to draft both CMC and Jonathan Taylor — but in a move so reckless it should’ve been banned by the CDC, he passed. He straight-up took Ashton over CMC. Ashton. On the goddamn Raiders. That’s like choosing to inject horse paste instead of getting the shot. Ashton put up a whopping 3.9 points and is playing on a team that looks like it’s been hit with a full-blown case of offensive dysentery.

Nazim, your draft decisions have long-Covid. Kyriacos, you just tested positive for being the league’s top scorer. Stay masked, King. (Thanks man, I love you) (#MeToo)

Humza vs Colten

Humza came out swinging like he had monoclonal antibodies coursing through his veins. Chris Olave and Trey "Two Mom" McBride both slapped 24 points on the board. That’s the kind of production that makes you cancel your vaccine appointment just to celebrate.

Colten, however, decided to inject his starting lineup with pure liquid failure. Rome Odunze gave him 4 points, which is also the average IQ of someone refusing to wear a mask on a plane. Kyren Williams followed that up with 7 points of uninspired, half-assed football — the kind you’d expect from a guy who just got contact traced out of relevance. Humza’s team is spreading touchdowns like Omicron at a meatpacking plant. Colten’s squad? Still stuck in March 2020, waiting on toilet paper. Mask up and never see your loved ones, you fucks! Congrats Humza, I guess you don’t suck ass after all…Vax your children now though, you just never know…

Sean vs Ahsan

Sean rolled into this matchup like the virus itself — invisible, aggressive, and ruining everything for Ahsan. Ja’Marr Chase exploded for 30 points, and Matt fucking Stafford — who is approximately 104 years old and should be receiving weekly booster shots just to get out of bed — decided to drop 5 touchdowns like he was trying to prove he’s still got it... or maybe he just got that ultra boost, Barry Bonds edition. Ahsan’s running backs, though? Jesus H. Fauci. Saquon Barkley must be experiencing lingering Covid fatigue because he only managed 4 points. And Croskey-Merritt? Who the fuck even is that? That’s not a running back — that’s a name you see on the door of a vaccine lawsuit settlement office. Sean wins because his players have immune systems. Ahsan’s RBs look like they got their lungs filled with fluid and their fantasy production drained with a ventilator. Cooked. Congrats Sean. I kneel in protest with you for all the small businesses I got closed! BLM = Break Lockdown Myths! Tell the truth Sean! I’m a good guy! Kneel with me!!!!

Alex vs Yaseer

Alex got a 20-point gift from the Patriots defense, who apparently only know how to play football when Cam Ward is on the other side. Meanwhile, Josh Jacobs snuck in 2 touchdowns, and Jordan Addison put down the liquor and actually remembered he plays football professionally. DUI = Don't Underestimate Infection…Yaseer, what in the CDC-violating hell is going on with your team? Kendrick fucking Bourne? That’s who you FLEXED? The man gave you 2 points, which is the same amount of benefit wearing a mesh mask gives you during an outbreak. Your lineup’s so thin, I’d recommend N95s just to look at it.

Alex wins because he’s got a functioning immune system. Yaseer’s team is the fantasy equivalent of someone coughing on the produce aisle. I just had to Lysol my eyes from just looking at this. Congrats Alex.

Ali vs Chris

Paging Dr. Faggot…Paging Dr. Faggot—Oh Chris is already here. Fuck you Chris! Ali’s team didn’t just underperform — it collapsed like a refrigerator truck morgue in Queens. Barely sniffed 60 points. That’s not fantasy football, that’s clinical depression with a Yahoo login. Chris, meanwhile, benefited from Tua throwing enough interceptions to give the Browns defense a fantasy boner. And Daniel Jones is out here playing like he’s been injected with a mix of HGH and Pfizer. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s working. Ali, your team is in absolute shambles. Not even contact tracing could explain how you got this many duds into one lineup. It’s like you’re trying to recreate 2020 — nothing works, everyone’s panicking, and we’re all stuck watching.

Chris, congrats. Just make sure you wash your hands after playing Ali’s team — they’ve got something viral. I only trust MDs like myself. DOs get people killed. Luckily my gain of function research has saved so so so so many lives! My advice Ali, make lemonade from this lemon haha…I can’t even congratulate a gay bitch like Chris!

Rimmel vs Parth

Rimmel finally grew some damn running backs. Judkins scored 3 touchdowns, St. Brown looked elite, and now suddenly Rimmel has a team that isn’t a walking symptom list. This is what happens when your squad gets vaccinated with competence. Parth, on the other hand, continues to be the Typhoid Mary of fantasy football — spreading mediocrity and pain to anyone he faces. I’ve seen nursing home outbreaks with more hope than your starting lineup. Your team is straight dogshit. You draft like the virus draft-dodged your brain. There’s no way you actually enjoy fantasy football because you clearly have no idea how to play it. Rimmel wins. Parth should be placed in fantasy isolation until further notice. Show up to the draft next time, social distancing is OVER! Well, for you it seems to have continued. Congrats, my sweet sweet Rimmel.

Well, that’s your Week 7 recap from Dr. Fauci — formerly America’s top doc, now just your unwilling fantasy therapist.

Some of you are playing like you’ve got the mRNA running through your veins, and some of you are still swabbing your nose trying to figure out what went wrong. Here’s a tip: your team sucks. That’s what went wrong.

I’m out. I’ve got another round of boosters to promote and apparently now a waiver wire to monitor because half of you are too fucking dumb to know what a bye week is.

Stay masked, stay vaxxed, and stay the hell out of my mentions if you started Kendrick Bourne. Also stop trading with Naz…

— Dr. Anthony Fauci, FPL (Fantasy Public Loser)“Follow the science, or draft like Parth. Your call.”

P.S. — Fuck Chris.

THE DETAILS:

Week 7 Auction Report ($10+):

• Parth = Kyle Monangai ($35) over Chris ($21)

• Chris = Oronde Gadsden II ($50) over Humza ($34), Parth ($32), Naz ($27), Ali ($21), Ahsan ($20)

• Humza = Joe Flacco ($10) over Kyriacos ($2)

Week 7 High/Low Points:

• Most = Kyriacos (153.2)

• Least = Ali (62.1)

HIGH TOTALS YTD:

• Rimmel = $10

• Nazim = $20

• Alex = $20

• Colten = $10

• Kyriacos = $10

LOW TOTALS YTD:

• Ali = 2

• Parth = 4

• Ahsan = 1

Close Games (<2 points):

• Week 1 = Colten (W) v Ahsan (100.9-100.5)

• Week 2 = None

• Week 3 = Yaseer (W) v Chris (85.6-84.1)

• Week 4 = None

• Week 5 = Nazim (W) v Humza (118.7-118.3)

• Week 6 = None

• Week 7 = None

Semi-Close Games (2-5 points):

• Week 1 = Rimmel (W) v Humza (83.1-79.7)

• Week 2 = None

• Week 3 = None

• Week 4 = Rimmel (W) v Nazim (123.2-118.7) & Ahsan (W) v Yaseer (121.1-116.6)

• Week 5 = Kyriacos (W) v Yaseer (106.3-102.5)

• Week 6 = Ali (W) v Parth (91.2-87.6)

• Week 7 = None

THE DEADLINE & CUP:

Trades:

• Ali trades Bucky Irving & Justin Jefferson to Sean for 2026 2nd & 4th round picks

• Nazim trades MHJ & 2026 3rd round pick to Ahsan for Saquon Barkley

  • Conditional 2026 7th round pick to Ahsan if Nazim wins 2025 championship

    • Becomes 2026 9th round pick if Nazim becomes runner-up

      • Either in exchange for 2026 13th round pick

League Cup:

• Reminder that the league cup starts this week until week 10 to determine the championship game in week 11

• Nazim & Ahsan receive byes for week 8, both will be 1-0

• Parth & Colten are ineligible for league cup this year

• Reminder that tiebreakers are now only points scored during the 3 weeks

• Good Luck to Everyone!